Post 2 years Monster, now for Azog

 No running. Walking, including a new lunch walk habit. 

Last three weekends we're traveling. This weekend we're home. My to do list is really short, the things left on it are bigger projects that I can see a path towards. This weekend we're home!! I will make the most of it.

LA made changes, he's now kinda OMAD. I made changes. Today is day 2 of no phone with meals. No surfing, browsing, etc. Yesterday I did lunch with the phone. A bad habit that needs to go!! Dinner last night more of the same door-to-Moria for an hour. But no phone. Sadly a JAMA in the mail. SIT! Relax! It's stresful this way. 

September. New moon. 6 years. what next? 2 years!

Hey I went for a run Wednesday with Nova! RUN 1 mile

That's my first run since LA and I did the trail run...a month ago? Felt great. Let's do it again. 

So Sept 1 was The Day.
Then Sept 2 new moon was The Day.
Then Sept 4 6 years was The Day. 

I ended that last day the same way I did 6 years ago. With sunflower seeds and regret. 

What's next?
Sept 7th is 2 years. That certainly was A Day. 

WTF do I need to get CHANGED and out of Moria?

700 days, 1900 days, but still Moria

Supposed to RUN today, maybe a trail!

But for now, he's sleeping and and I'm AGAIN mulling why I'm stuck here. 

700 for Monster
1900 for Balrog
1 for Azog, the Great Ocr of Moria

Azog is a lingering orc, a time warp of sorts. Pulls you in and doesn't let go. Minutes, hours can pass. Walking through Moria, by Moria. Thinking about Moria, hiding from Moria. 

This too will end. Today. 

August 4th, New Moon again, only some change

RUN 3 miles with LA

PLUS 30 mins of strength and Pilates 

Some changes are positive.  No more fake B or fake M. Stopped chips. Back to meal prep and mostly on goal to have all 3 pre packed. Pimsleur and duolingo are done. I have a 3 miles/run habit almost 4 times a week. Still 132. New job! 3rd week of Apple Fitness is done, 3 more weeks until current plan ends. I can feel the strength and flexibility improving. That feels great.  Habit Rabbit is the new app. 

Some changes are negative. Today PB.  Recently raw oats. Still standing. Still spending a lot of time in and around Moria and it’s just ME I realize. All 4 of the rest of them are not. Really need to fix that. 

Some changes to make. Added a 30 min limit to meals, get out of Moria. Added prepack goal, I’m mostly on it. Stop raw oats. Stop PB before it’s a twice thing. 

Add in running to build up to a 10k plan starting Sep 14. 

Kids went back to MO yesterday on the New Moon.  This was yet another Reset Day. 

Then today I work from home and it’s yet another conveyor day.  Not sick, but not H AT ALL. Start again..

When I come back for the new new moon it will be …Sep 2nd. Goal under 130. 

Oh and 80 days until bday goal of under 125.  18 days until the MiTi 10th anniversary. I really want to be past all the shit by then! 

205 days No S, No F.  29.26 weeks!

698 days no M! 99.72 weeks!

1709 days since move in. 

1895 days since I Killed a Balrog.  

Independence Day, New Moon, no positive change

RUNNING!! I'm running 2-3 miles 3 times a week. I'm not closely tracking numbers. I'm also maintaining the 30-day workout challenge started in June and using a random number generator to pick what day to do. And yesterday I set up my workout corner in the rec room. I'll be surrounded by my past - IMWI2010 through to 2014 and 2016 racing success pictures. Since 2016, my life fell apart. So I don't have pictures hung up about that. 

Last night while trying to fall asleep, feeling my lower leg bones (especially the left, IT band?) ache, I realized it's been 5 years since Balrog. So why do I say no positive change?

And M, he's been out for 668 days. 1.82 years. 

No S, No F: 174 days!!

That my, dear Bee, is change. 

The change I'm not seeing, but wanting, but apparently not wanting bad enough to do it, is the goal that was 11 days from today - 123108. Remember that? Ha, like it's counterpart, it keeps getting put off. The counterpart, almost 2 years now. Seriously, I can't wait for that to be my end goal time?

But I do the oooh it's Independence Day into failure. 
I do the oooh it's a New Moon, into....well I haven't failed that yet. It was only last night. 

When I do this, then ...
When this happens, then ...

Like I expect some omen or magic to just *poof* change shit and Whoop shit is changed!!!

My dear Bee, that is not how change happens. The changes we made before listed above, happened because YOU CHANGED. 

Go ahead and read about JKO. About P KM. Pictures, comparisons, that's not going to do it.
Listen to podcasts about change. That's not enough either. 

Keep working the Actual Logs. You fail those daily, stopping around mid day. (I get it, you're busy). And keep working on the Self Awareness, again, you stop after getting tired.

The rest of your life can't be like this!! 

Post travel update, schisms, lack of change

RUN!! 3 miles in about 33-35 mins
BIKE!! about 7 miles in about 27 mins (yesterday), my first in TN
RUN! about 2 miles with LA and AEA

That's at least one change I've made. 

Remember how when travel was supposed to be When? Then the full moon, that was When. The Eclipse. May 3rd. A haircut. A move. LA gone for 2 weeks. When. Then. Then Again. 

Retainers. Orthodontic. Other eclipse. Surgery. Other surgery. Monday. Yesterday. Today. 

All Whens that failed. Whens that lasted only the minimalist of time. And now here in TN - post travel, post full moon or new moon or whatever moon I pick - no change. 

Then this morning. I'm out on my run and I see a message from my mom. "Did you call Dad today?". This honestly confused me. What happened?! Was I supposed to?

Minute or so later, this was a serious lapse, I realize. Father's Day. I missed Father's Day. 

I didn't miss my bike ride. I didn't miss a meal. I didn't miss any of that stuff in Moria at all, hell most of the day seemed spend there. 

Well this crashed my morning mood. And I here to get out of it. This mood of failure. Of excuse-finding. Of putting the faults everywhere else but me. 

I found the Autobiography in 5 Chapters in a book I took from our last stop to an AA Little Library. I hung it on the fridge. Refer to this post, immediately near this one. 

I'm trying to avoid the hole. I need to avoid the street. 

I want to do BLE. What the fuck is stopping me? Me. 

Instead it's the same hole, and it's most certainly my fault every single time here. Me. 

I forgot my dad on father's day.
I did too many RC.
I picked up the FB yesterday.
I pulled out the multiple CHOs this morning, over and over and over. 

Me.
In Moria.

Go call you dad, and take responsibility.
Go get things done, and quit looking at others for their supposed/imagined problems.

Go. Go down a different street. 

 Autobiography in Five Short Chapters 

I. 

I walk down the street. 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 

I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. 

It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out. 

II. 

I walk down the same street. 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I still don't see it. 

I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place. 

It isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out. 

III. 

I walk down the same street. 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 

I see it there, I still fall in. It's habit. 

It's my fault. I know where I am. I get out immediately. 

IV. 

I walk down the same street. 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 

I walk around it. 

V. 

I walk down a different street.