Two weeks on my own

Saturday and Monday RUN just over a mile with Nova!

And yesterday Sunday long walks, and about 15 mins of strength training at home. "strength", you know what I mean.

Both days, conveyor belting.

Both days, lots of Pimsleur with my new phone. I got through ~500-600 speak-aloud questions. I think I'll keep repeating those as I can until my subscription runs out.

Speaking of subscriptions. My LAF gym ended on Friday. I ended the NourishingMeals on Saturday. Today I looked at the Apple Fitness that comes with my new phone, it has 3 months free to try it out. Might be the best three months to do something like this? 

I still don't have a new job and I'm waiting on two email replies about jobs. Frustrating to be told "I can't afford you". 

This week and the next at work, then done. Then we start officially moving out of the Maple house!

I'm burned out on Audiobooks. The last 3 or 4 I've tried to listen to just fail on me. I'm mentally full up. 

I miss Lev, he had a rough morning and I wasn't able to help. He said I was just making it worse. Ugh. 

I prepacked dinner for tonight! And added it to my Goals list. 

I'm looking ahead for a scheduling/journal/method for my Next Life in TN. 

Why so resistant to change?

Yesterday and today: RUN 1 mile with LA

It seems to be all we have time for? Why?! Why so hard to just get things done? Why do I feel like I spend so much time waiting, thinking ahead how things could be different, thinking things should already be different, etc?

Like the July goal. 91 days. In the last 9 days, what's changed? 

Well last night I had water before/during dinner! But I still stood and rushed a random dinner, and still left feeling too full and kinda sick. 

The spreadsheets reflect that too. No change, is no change. 

Tonight, keep the water. And sit down. 

Starting yesterday, I've been low on self esteem (thanks boss) and hard on myself. Sluggish and feeling like I'm missing on something. And yesterday some hormone-symptom changes, that's not helping either with the slug feeling.

4140 Nashville

We did it!! We bought a house. Yesterday, in a there-and-back-again trip to Nashville.

We're almost done here in Michigan. In a month, we'll be mostly moved out, if not entirely so. Yesterday was just one month after Match Day. We could be set such that we're out in two months of it!

SO MUCH CHANGE. This one I'm looking forward to.

But I'm looking forward to also - 

1. Being out of a house that had M. 586 days!
2. Going to a house that doesn't have a Moria. Wow - that would be amazing and sadly I can admit here that when I think about what it will be like to come home to this house, my thoughts to go how I can keep Moria from being there, ever. 

I think, I have that closet. My refuge. When I saw it yesterday, it was smaller than I had in my head. Less of a refuge I guess. But the habit to built is to come home to that. Walk the dog. Or something other than Moria. 

I bought a house, and my thoughts are on M and Moria. I can leave them behind!

Some more stupid math. April 30th or so is 600 days with out M!
Next week is 100 days No S No F

3 more days is 1600 days with LA

I have 93 more days to July Goal. Progress there? Eh....
17 more days of work

24 days until graduation

2024 Eclipse

RUN!! With some walking, 1.5 miles with LA

Our first run in a long time, we really fell off the habit. We are in the thick of being ready to move, but not actually moving. We are STILL waiting for house loan shit to finalize, and just moments ago I got an email from B of A - I haven't opened it yet - hopefully it's good news. But LA wants the other lender, so we wait. Hence, I wait. 

The eclipse is today, starting soon. At 2pm it starts, just after 3pm it totalities. At 2:20 it's a New Supermoon. I have been looking forward to this for 7 years, since the last one. For that I'd planned my trip into Illinois to watch, things have changed. 

Here I go again, thinking Things Will Change, but not because of this eclipse. It's because of ME. 

And I need to keep changing, it's 24 more days until work is done, 31 days until graduation, fucking awesome coincidence 100 days until my July 'date goal', 85 days of No S and No F, 578 days of No M, and 1776 days (freeeedom!!) from The Balrog. 

100 more days, what can I do in 100 days? I like lists....ugh that's a LOT!! 

5x20 lists? 10x10 is too much. Maybe that's what needs to change - the lists. 

What definitely needs to change is like yesterday. Rice, then rice cakes, then rice. Standing! STANDING!? No plan, no measure, no effort. I was tired after a quick Nashville and back trip. It was 131.6 yesterday. 137.2 today. I know, it's not real between dehydration (likely) and carb bloating, but UGH. 

Well, off to see if we can see it... more later!

----

Later on Thursday, days later! This wasn't as stellar as the 2017, but just as great. This morning I was able to meditate on it. I'll change my phone again too, the wallpaper. Done. 

A few weeks left at this job, and listening to the conversation with LN in the next bay, only encourages me to leave quickly. The conversation I had just minutes ago was encouragement too. Interview tomorrow. Only 1, so far? I'm putting a lot of hope on this one. It might not be enough. This weekend, more letters?

And as for the change? I'm aware, but ..... what's happening?! The dog was sick the day after the eclipse and I stayed home with Moria. Then since, Moria. But last night - I stayed OUT. 

April Fooling

1.8. 9-6 at work. Struggle bug day, at the flow cytometer that had to be restarted three time and sample issues and ugh. There was no flow to my cow. Rainy, non evening dog walk. Ate dinner too fast, apparently too much too. That's gotta change. But numbers and jzs feel good. I like that. The house is a mess, lev might not go to MO this weekend, and I'm adding up my vacation days at work being honest as I can. Used 29 days out of 44. So 15 remaining. That flow should have taken only a few hours. Makes me feel incompetent. But I was hurrying, I did try, but. Didn't get to ordering or mouse house.

Vernal Equinox

So 60 some days into "BLE" and the only change I've held strongly to is No S, No F. Two of the four, granted, but the harder two are still there. 

And guess what. No change, means no change. 

Setting out again, with new goals 120 days away, 17 weeks, and what's the goal? 

1. Get running, biking, something, habited through these next tough weeks. 

But that's not really what I mean. 

BLE 1 2 3 4 is what I mean

123108 is what I mean

I went from )) to my own .... fill in the blank. 

The Match

I'm writing this days afterwards, after a whirlwind of activity!

Before the Match, I was silently praying (in my own way) for please St Louis. After the last few years of wanting out of St Louis, I now wanted back. I wanted the familiarity, the proximity to families, the friends, trails, rides, parks, stores, jobs that I was familiar with. It would have been -- easier. 

At the Match, first off in a crowded room that just shuts me down (still haven't outgrown that?) I see the result - Vanderbilt - and I'm just ... what's the word ... let down. 

It's not what I wanted, not my first pick. But still, it's exciting and new. Do I really want to go back to .... you know ... 

In my mind, I'm still on Greenrock. Babler Butterflies. Me and Tim or Tori. 

In my mind, it's still pre 2016 and when I look in the mirror there's a jolt of disreality, dismay, loss, yearning, aching. 

What is it I miss? 

My health. My clarity. But not ... that. 560 days now, away from that. They were linked. They weren't linked. I was linked. I wasn't. I can still be healthy, without. 

So now a new life. There's no nearby FP or TGP, maybe there's the distant Bablers and Greenrocks. I'm still looking. 

Time to grow up the rest of the way. 

Imagine have a K that's not Moria. A trail without the residues. Streets without the trash. Stores without the hauntings.