First week of January

Tuesday RUN 2 miles at the gym!! 
Wednesday ELLIPTICAL 30 mins
Thursday travel day
Friday RUN 30 mins at hotel gym, 2.3 miles?
Saturday WALK 30 mins treadmill at hotel
Sunday RUN 20 mins at hotel

Monday "the first day" but all day Moria. WTF. Let's remember that after azuc and tort and more, 136 and swollen, pained. 

Tuesday I took LA to work, his first day back as well, and I used the opportunity to get to the gym. WooHoo! Home to work with Slava on his Chromebook, then shower, and off to work. The run felt great, and I played all the good songs as a reward. Keep it up and find a strength training plan. Find a race too? My goals today are to NAIL the MP plan, find a strength plan, and NOT overdo M3. Stick the landing. 

I failed the landing. I didn't go over much 1411, but it was the HOW. As soon as I came home, no pause or wait. I was H, but still.

Wednesday Same as yesterday, except I did elliptical (my knees are tight) and took an earlier bus since the kids were still in bed. AGAIN, came home to Moria no pause or wait, and took M1 off plan and early. Realized this morning that I've pretty much quit the bread, since... Thursday? And dates, for weeks. GOOD.

M2 to plan, and again to Moria for M3. Immediately  and rushed and anxious and stressed and random. This has to change. 

Thursday Up early again but this time stayed at work 6 hours. Started the NourishingMeals program for us, a get a 7 day trial. Travel to St Robert

Weekend All great, buzy, I'd packed most all the food we needed and only two dinners for kids were off meals. The drive back Sunday started at 1pm and we got home at 1130pm!! WOOOO 5 hours of sleep!

2023 Book List = 133

JANUARY

1. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, audio
2. Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, audio
3. The Only, audio, 3rd book about Byx
4. A Monstrous Regiment of Women, audio, #2 in series
5. The More of Less, audio
6. Joy at Work, partially finished audio
7. 💥War and Peace, Hemingway List - FINISHED August 14th, 2023!!
   SUM 7

FEBRUARY

1. Happier At Home, audio
2. The Last Grand Duchess, audio, Olga Romanov novel
3. The Family Romanov, audio
4. The Romanov Sisters, audio
5. Cleaning House, audio
6. Tsarina, audio, Empress Catherine
   SUM 13

MARCH

1. Catherine the Great, audio, by Robert Massie
2. The Tsarina's Daughter, audio, Empress Elizabeth
3. The Secret Wife, audio, fluff about Tatiana Romanov
4. The Butler, audio, a letdown
5. The Second Mrs Astor, audio
6. The Secret Life of Josephine, audio
   SUM 19

APRIL

1. The Letter of Mary, audio, #3 in series
2. Napoleon, audio, 33 hours!
3. Atomic Habits, e-book, 4th time reading, want the audiobook next
4. Darkstalker, audio, Slava recommendation
5. Sapiens, audio, James Clear recommendation
   SUM 24

MAY

1. The Alchemist, audio, LA recommendation
2. Breaking Addition, audio 
3. Brief History of Time, audio, James Clear recommendation
4. Mary Russells' War, audio, #0.5 in series
5. Wuthering Heights, eBook, might take a while, it's replacing Reddit! AND I LOVED IT!!!
6. 👇Hillsdale Constitution 101: The Meaning and History, online course, 
7. Stillness is the Key, audio, James Clear recommendation
8. The Red Badge of Courage, audio to fill time between books
9. When Breath Becomes Air, James Clear recommendation 
10. Trust Me, I'm Lying, audio (same author as Stillness)
11. Albert Nobbs, book, by George Moore (author on the Hemingway List)
12. Obsessed, audio
13. The Art of Good Conversation, audio
14. The Open Boat, audio. Hemingway List
15. For Whom The Bell Tolls, by Hemingway, audio
16. Madame Bovary, Hemingway List, eBook
17. The Four Winds, audio, fluff filler
18. The Sun Also Rises, by Hemingway, audio
19. A Farewell to Arms, by Hemingway, audio
20. The Dubliners, eBook, Hemingway list
21. The Old Man and The Sea, by Hemingway, audio
22. Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, on the second Hemingway List, audio
    SUM 46

JUNE

1. 💤Gravity's Rainbow, a GAN by Thomas Pynchon, 37 hours audio! And library book. Returned unread.
2. Marie Kondo's Kurashi at Home, audio
3. The Moor, Mary Russell #4, audio
4. 👎Courage is Calling, Ryan Holiday, audio, repetitive didn't finish
5. 💬The Red and The Black, Stendahl, audio
6. Anna K, audio book, break from serious stuff, modern Anna Karenina 
7. Anna K Away, audio book, sequel to above
   SUM 52

JULY 

1. Justice Hall, Mary Russell #6, audio (was waiting on #5, it arrived after I'd started!)
2. Royals, audio YA fluff
3. O Jerusalem, Mary Russell #5, audio (did I finish 6 before this? Yes, barely!)
4. American Royals, more YA fluff on audio book
5. Make Your Bed, Admiral McRaven, audio book, only 2 hours
6. Majesty, YA fluff #2 in series. I'm actually enjoying it. 
7. The Game, Mary Russel #7 audiobook
8. The Princess Diaries, more fluff. I need some fluff I guess
9. 👉Infinite Jest, 56 hour audio, won't finish, even tried the hard cover. Good, but too long. 
10. How to Think Like A Roman Emperor, audiobook, kinda skimmed to the end of this
    SUM 61

AUGUST

1. I'm Glad My Mom Died, audiobook
2. Immune, audiobook and informative!
3. Victoria, audiobook of novelized fiction, AEA recommendation
4. 👉The Gates of Europe, audiobook, saw at the library and we'll see, UNFINISHED
5. Victoria the Queen, audio biography
6. When Death Becomes Life, audio, "notes from a transplant surgeon"
7. Rivals, YA fluff #3 in series
8. (I quit Reddit again) ✌
9. Mindful parenting, let's see..., audio super-speed read through, meh
10. The Last Russian Doll, audio book I saw in the airport - in April!, Oh my, its' GOOD!
11. 💤The Thousandth Floor, by same author as the Royals, audio
12. 💤After the Romanovs, audio with slooooowwwww and bad accent, couldn't get past 2 chapters
13. Echoes, D Steele, audio fluff, better than expected
14. Divergent, audio, Arlette was reading this trilogy
15. An Elegant Defense, another immunology audio 
16. The Winter Palace, 💫 hardback book, 1st of a 2 book series
    SUM 74

SEPTEMBER

1. The Eye Of The World, #1 in R Jordan series, long 30 hours audio, also have 💫to reference
2. The Da Vinci Code, audio
3. Empress of the Night, 💫 hardback book, 2nd of a 2 book series
4. Princess in the Spotlight, audio fluff
5. Girl, Wash Your Face, audio
6. Hatchet, from the PBS 100 Most Loved list, 4 hr audio
7. Locked Rooms, Mary Russell #8
8. Fourth Wing, audio, #1 in series, no so YA, better than expected
9. The Fall of Numenor, Tolkien!! 💫
10. Along Came A Spider, PBS list, audio
11. Anna Karenina, audio, might be hard as I've noticed the classics are difficult by audiobook
    SUM 85

OCTOBER 

1. Reign, audio book #4 in the series
   
2. Making of the Atomic Bomb, audio 37.5 hours audio, what a great book
   
3. Insurgent, #2 in series by Veronica Roth
   
4. Just Eat, audio to fill gaps
   
5. Starch Solution, 💤, didn't read past third of way in, don't count
6. Allegiant, #3 in V Roth series
7. Gone Girl, PBS list, audio
8. Noom, 💫 Audio book still months away maybe
9. The Great Hunt, #2 in the Robert Jordan series, 26 hours?! Get 💫instead.
10. Imperial, prequel to the Royals series
11. Clash of Kings, hours of wonderful GRRM. 
12. The Hive Queen #12 Wings of Fire
13. The Language of Bees, the book that started it, Mary Russell #9
    SUM 96

NOVEMBER

1. 👉Dune, PBS list, terrible audio "production" with varied voices and noises. Get 💫
2. Dragonet Prophecy, #1 Wings of Fire
3. Pillars of the Earth, PBS, re-read by audio, 41 hours! Great book
4. The Awakening, Kate Chopin from Writer's Museum 💫
5. The Ten Keys to Reality, Frank Wilczek 💫
6. Stolen Focus, waited months to get this as audio book, not worth the wait 💫
7. White Teeth, PBS list, Struggling to listen. I just can't get into it!
8. 💬Black Stallion, audio, LOVE IT
9. Where the Red Fern Grows, PBS list, like White Teeth it's a lot of accents/vernacular
10. And Then There Were None, PBS list, good until the ending
    
11. Pride and Prejudice, PBS list and a re-read from years ago
12. Hooked, how to make things addictive 💫
13. Indistractable, same author as above, how to get unhooked 💫
14. Nineteen eighty four, PBS re-read, 💫
15. Great Courses Cognitive Behavioral Therapy 1, 8hrs, Audible
16. The Giver, PBS audio, youth book
17. Willpower, Baumeister habits book, eBook, kinda skimmed as a re-read
18. The Lovely Bones, PBS list, audio
19. Change Your Brain, Change Your Life, Audio
20. Iron Flame, #2 of book started in September, audio 28 hours
21. To Kill A Mockingbird, PBS list, audio
22. You, Happier, audio, same guy as Change Your Brain
    SUM 116

DECEMBER

1. A Traitor To His Class, FDR audio 37 hours! Great book but listened in a hurry.
   
2. Dune, PBS list, 💫
3. Age of Innocence, 💫 Edith Wharton also from Writer's Museum 👍
4. God of the Hive, Mary Russell #10
5. Looking for Alaska, PBS list
6. Triggers, audiobook, another about habits
7. The Outsiders, YA on the PBS list. Thankfully only 5 hours
8. The Joy Luck Club, PBS list
9. Twilight, Ugh, PBS list, it's awful
10. One Hundred Years of Solitude, PBS list  Just can't. 
11. All Systems Red, recommended by Tim, audio
12. Another Country, PBS list, at 43% I just quit. I couldn't
13. Ghost, PBS list YA book
14. CP with a Jerk 💫
15. CP Etiquette 💫
16. Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, PBS list 
17. Ready Player One, PBS list audio
18. The Help, PBS list 
19. The Outlander, PBS list, awful wish-fulfillment fantasy. Quit at 27%

SUM TOTAL 133 books

Holiday Week into 2024

 Traveled to Illinois Saturday morning. I’ve realized that my terrible upset is from eating corn in one of the new breads. This lasts into next Tuesday! Drive through south Chicago-dismal- then a teary eye drop off Nova at the kennel. My parents! Foggy day  

Sunday Lev and I walked, prepared for Christmas.  

Monday Christmas. Tuesday dad’s birthday and baking him gifts of peanut brittle and toffee and fudge. Thankfully I avoided all but a nibble of regretted fudge. Kids exchange, my parents and my sisters for dinner and nerf battle. Wednesday they slept in and I treadmills. Went to Streator with Jessica, then Lodge lunch with her too!! Water park with kids and niblings, dinner and gifts at my sisters. All great and amazing. 

Thursday drive back to AA after getting the dog. Friday through Sunday at home, some errands, a great time with kids and LA. 

Sunday was NYE, Monday NYD. So many promises to myself. Sadly, most all are the same promises I've been making for years. But in 2024, my solid goal for now is to fully leave M behind.

M came to Michigan, he died there, but his corpse still haunts me. 

Surgery, and Post Surgery: Week 1

Day of - not much to say except that now I'm 3x with a history of adverse reaction. Yup, again. And there was some much needed perspective in the pre-op, when I overheard my pre-op neighbor saying she was here for a craniotomy for a meningioma (?) and that her husband had died two years ago. Jeezus, and I'm worried about things?!

Woke up, to LA saying he passed STEP2!

Days after - abdomen lumpy swollen, 4 tiny cuts, so damned tired and anxious about my inability to move and do what I want. I feel like time is both dragging and compressed. I can't walk the dog alone yet, can't pick things up, thank fully LA is here too most of the time. 

How are my goals? Why did I make so many goals about exercise and work right before surgery?! Focus for now on fixing the Ms's.

Up to the 1 week mark: On the day, on week after surgery, I went for a run! SHORT. Up Mosquito Hill. Shhhh don't tell anyone. 

I'm still working on my other changes. Y'know, sit down and enjoy M3. We are, but why is it so hard?!

The pain is OK, sneezing and coughing are painful. Leaning back into bed and getting back up, painful. Other than that, bring on week 2.

 

Day Before, Again

Well here I am again, at the Day Before Something, again promising change and evolution. In October, I didn't have access to this (traveling) to put down some thoughts. Now that I do have the opportunity, I'm not sure what to do with it. 

Except promise to get to bed early tonight, because the surgery is at 730am, necessitating a 530am arrival to MH. Ugh. 

And to follow through on my promises for today - mostly, to do the Hard Stuff. 

There's a New Moon tonight at 6:32pm, I'm telling myself that "at 6:32 Things Will Change". Will they? 

Today so far, two meals with a phone, distracted and not paying attention. I want the Hard Stuff today to be Having M3 Be Done Right. 

LA's STEP2 exam results come out tomorrow. I'll wake up in a world in which we have that answer. I have faith in his passing, but...there's always a possibility and that eats at us. 

I'm a little random here. But I did come to say that the last week or two has been a flurry of Habits and Organization and GTD type books. Self helpish type books, from which I derived no solid answers as to how I can get my life back on track. 

Was I ever on track? Really, 10 years ago, was I on track? With Lara bars in the garage? With JBs, with the little blue bowl and spoon? No. I wasn't. I was on track to one goal while flailing at another. Go back 10 years, and take a peek...go ahead...I'll wait... 

2013 I was planning MiTi and B2B; a thursday morning FoPa run, trainer, songlist, wrapping up the year and planning ahead. 

I'm doing the same now, wrapping up and planning ahead. But I wasn't honest with myself 10 years ago. I had a name for it, Monster, but I acted like he didn't exist in the logs. Geezus but the Tag for Monster shows the constant battle. My BuJo from years ago showed the same. And now, spreadsheets. 

Based on one of the books, I started a Daily Questions worksheet. It's in draft form (I say this as TODAY is the start day!). So I'd better be working on that?! Is this another form of BuJo? What are the goals, rewards?

Get to this, get away from here and GO.

I probably won't be back here for a week. I can email it in. But the goals:
1. Plan for mindful, healthy, no-stress meals without distractions of iphone, book, and calls

2. Look for moments of solitude, meditation, and engagement

3. Focus on improvements in art, russian, exercise, etc, instead of coasting through them

4. Connect with friends and family, especially LA and Nova

5. Calm the Fuck Down

December starts off in Nashville, and in stress

Monday nothing
Tuesday 25 min RUN/WALK with Nova
Wednesday nothing, snow, turkey cooking morning
Thursday, another nothing

Friday, I forget
Weekend, I got long dog WALKS on both days.

Monday we got in bed around 230 am, I was up at 7am (how?!) and back to work in a busy pre-surgery pre-holiday week. Renewed interest in WHBM type shopping, self care, and it was a good weekend overall to start the month. LA and I are both on edge, snippy, and short tempered. We're OK, but the stress is really underlying everything it seems. Waiting for STEP results and tired from traveling.

Tuesday up to run with Nova, then to work. Last night M3 was OK but random. I need to find casserole multi serving things to help. 

Wednesday the calendar says that next Tuesday before surgery is a new moon at 6:32pm. I need to quit deciding things based on the moon phase. But...New....metaphorphosis, evolution, again, repeat. I said this too in October before the surgery was delayed. Here I am again. Get specific. Get into it. Try dammit. 

Thursday no oats last night, and my gut feels so much better today. Yesterday, after Tuesday's oats for dinner, I was full and pained and bloated and heavy. Yesterday 1336, today 1308. Go figure. Lots of stress with the planning to go to Madison this weekend. I'd much rather we stay home and rest but I'm OK to go. LA, I think he needs down time to rest and get stuff done, he seems to want to go. I already like Madison, I don't need to take yet another weekend on the road to see it. 

Friday  not oats and no dates last night, and 1314 before a big BM. Finally the oats from the other night, haha? OOOhhhh some FB, regretted. Rice, regretted. I didn't want it but I wanted.....something. We did get a nightly dog walk, I did get to bed at 9pm, reading and Russian. 

Still no morning exercise, we're both stressed out waiting for the STEP 2 results.

Saturday and Sunday LA slept in A LOT, stress, waiting, and thankfully in the end we didn't go to Madison. We didn't need to. We needed this rest. What I didn't need though  was to find gluten free oreos, munch all day until I feel queasy, and still feel so unsatisfied and stressed. 

I have more excuses...

Monday Long day at work, nothing
Tuesday Step2 and hand therapy morning, ice and snow, nothing yet. Afternoon cold dog walk!
Wed Vande interview and we slept in until 8am!?
Thursday repeat of Monday
Friday RUN 3.1 miles solo felt great, then STRESS as we try to get out of town on time
Saturday and Sunday, Nashville

I'm running out of things to say here, but not really. Monday was a full moon morning, "change", then M3 isn't change at all. I 'repent', pray for change, think "I could start in December" and "I could start after STEP2", and ugh, all the procrastinations and delays and excuses. "I should start a bullet journal". "I can go to the gym tonight instead". "I could do an app workout at home". I've said all this so far, just today, and it's only 930am. 

I really  just want to focus on M3, fixing M3. No phone, sit, no rush. 

Weds - last night I recovered from Monday's 250+ CO, and there will be no change until I change. There's so much I want to say here, so many problems I want to solve, so many thoughts, so much help I want to find. But sadly I have to go to work!

Ugh, what a Friday. RUSHED.

Sat and Sun, 1300 and I come back monday dehydrated and full at 129.4
Renewed interested in WHBM type shopping!