Supersonic 127.4

Rest day, I'll run the 6 miles tomorrow

I know this journal isn't about weight loss really, it's about training. But the weight has been impacting my training, and it's become a part of it. 

I haven't been under 128 since March 2019 - three years! 

This may be a blip, and tomorrow I'll be back to something more. But this is motivating - what I'm doing is WORKING. Finally. I'm still sitting to eat, not sure if that's a huge contributor or not. And no M now since last Tuesday! That's major.

My pants feel great today, my next immediate goal is the wedding pants to be more comfortable. One week. 

10 miles cold and raining

RUN 10 miles in 1:48

Before bed I learned that the rain I didn't know about tonight was also something I didn't know about for today's run. Luckily it was a light rain, unluckily it was still cold - high 30s. Ugh, it's spring!
 

I mapped out 10 versions of a 10 miler yesterday, on a full loop and the second a two-loop. They started out the same - south on Oak Valley to Target - and after that the paths diverged. I was undecided, but thinking I'd do the two-loops in case I needed something from the house (excuse) or maybe needed a water (poor planning) or a bathroom (unlikely). 

I had a headwind on Oak Valley, yuck, but still felt good especially once I'd warmed up a bit. I had my small 4-5oz hand bottle with salt, my audiobook about the Romanovs, and a headlight it turns out I didn't need. 

The two loops were even, no issues, some foot fatigue and soreness at the end. I regret having nom'd some ground beef and a bite of gouda cheese though - I'm supposed to run fasted!! But I did get the goal of drinking my full recovery bottle and waiting until later in the morning for breakfast. 

Yesterday with Coach - he thinks if I can get 1 or 2 20 milers in, practicing the foods I might bring with me, I could be OK to run the Glass City marathon in one month. One Month! And even though I'm not quickly losing weight, I'm feeling so much better in so many other ways that while it bothers me, it doesn't worry me. 

I did my measurements for him this morning and found I'd lost 0.5-1 inch in abdomen, hips, and thigh!! 
And I'm got the goal yesterday of sitting to eat. But I started munching after dinner and again later before bed. Not good! 

Have I had a Mindset Shift?

RUN 4 miles in 40 mins, with 2x 1000m speedwork

I'll be adding COMMUTE here soon, it's on my list to get Puppy ready to go, even though the morning weather is less than ideally warm. 

Today's run was 2 miles with LA (preparing for Army 2 mile under 21 mins) and he was out of breath by the end. I was jealous and took that forward into my workout. We did the Pittsfield Library and back. 

Then I was on my own for 2x 1000m at 10K sets. Embarrassingly, last night I couldn't do the math for 1000m to miles, I knew it would be "about 0.65", but didn't connect the km to miles until I asked the iPhone for an answer. 0.62 miles

The plan was at the start of a 1.0 mile lap, to go and run until 0.62 miles. The first interval was in 4:53 with the slight downhill on Maple, the second was 4:50 coming back but without the hill. I was winded at the end, happily, but surprised to find I still had some pep during the cool down. When I'm running fast, I don't feel like my feet are going to land correctly, is that giving some hesitation? And I was a bit disappointed to see the paces afterwards - very close to my mile TT time last week - shouldn't these have been faster at only 0.62 miles? But the instructions was for 10K pace. I dunno.

Sunday on my long run with the Kastor audiobook I started to have a mindset shift. I realized about 1 minute away from my parent's house that I'd forgotten my water bottle. Instead of turning around to get it, it turned into a punishment for me - if you're going to be so stupid to forget that, then you're going to be thirsty. Huh? Why do I think that? Why am I so hard on myself? 

And in a question for Coach (only a month left, I NEED to mindset shift NOW) is if I'm graceful with myself, forgiving if that's the word, how will I improve myself. If everytime I make a mistake I let it go with grace, where's the repercussions of the mistake? On the scale, I guess.

Starting Sunday, after the equinox, I vowed to sit during all foods. No more countertop. And dang that was hard yesterday! But it did slow me down. And I'm back on track with wanting to stick to my plans (the Make A Plan 24 Hours Out was slipping for me) (no fuck that I was slipping on the goal, not the other way around!). 

Progress seems minimal, when the scale doesn't change much. But instead of peaking to 137 for whatevershit hormone stuff is going on, I went up to 134 or 135 and came back down to 131 instead of 134. But I'm stalled there.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. I gave up sugar and fruit and bacon, but added cheese. I gave up on IF and changed to 3 smaller meals. I stayed at 14-1500/day even though I added running, but I'm not an accurate logger. 

My mind has definitely improved the past few weeks. I feel like things are clearer and there's less problems to deal with. I see an avenue for change an improvement, finally, after months or years of anxiety and stress. 

The mindset shift is hard to write, it's more of a feeling. But I feel like an athlete. I feel strong and fast and more decisive. I feel like I can challenge myself and respond to it, instead of feeling piled on. I'm confronting problems and passing on stressful thoughts and looking for more. 

But I need to look for less too, haha, or the scale goals won't be there. 

35 mile week with travel - plan and do it! Equinox

Monday Rest
Tuesday RUN 4.5 (really maybe 4) with an 8:04.9 1 mile TT!
Wednesday RUN 7 miles looped part of AA
Thursday RUN 5+2 miles, second run with LA; and MARRIAGE with LA
Friday 
Saturday
Sunday 15 miles in 2:41, then 1.2 miles easy in 14 mins
SUM 35.5 miles

Monday was recovery from travel day, and Tuesday LA and I went to Pioneer HS to find the track. While he rested I did the 1 mile time trial - 8:04.9! I might could have gone under 8 minutes, it wasn't a full track it was a turf soccer field. On the way home we found the real track, but this was a great run. 

Tuesday meeting with Coach P, I'm doing good and recognizing when I'm making mistakes, and my homework is to find something else to do instead of PB or CC. Or anything like that, for that matter. I'm now 2 months in almost, and still so much to do. The whole M3 is still a mess of random standing, I keep thinking "next week will be easier and have more time". UGH, NO it won't!

Wednesday I ran Scio - Main - Huron - Stadium and was hoping for 8 miles, but I had to get to work. This run felt great, I started to slow around mile 6 - no water or anything yet - and afterwards it felt good. It was 10-10:40m/m throughout.  

Writing this on Wednesday, and trying to plan the long run this weekend of 14 miles. I'll be at my parent's house, and I mapped out 2 options to run while there. I'm more excited about the canal path one. Coach said that for this run, I need to commit to it, plan it and DO IT. And think about the next weekend, with more of the same as I might travel again. That's a 38 mile week! Then I rest. And get married :)

Thursday run with the sooooo-close-to-full moon hanging low in the west. It's full early tomorrow morning. The first loop was around the HS and back, then LA joined for 2 miles. I was hoping for 2.5-3 miles with him, but nope. And I didn't have all morning to get this. That 0.5 mile that I "needed" will bother me! But I had an extra 0.5 mile last week, can I share it to this week? 

Friday - sleep in and REST. 

Saturday - I got up to help mom with her wedding decorations, I hadn't included that in my plans. Then it was cold, windy, rainy, and even snowy. It caused me anxiety to do so, but I skipped the run!

Sunday I RAN! Gorgeous day, worth the wait. I went to the I&M path with no real plan, and no water bottle as I forgot to pack my tiny belt bottle. Out and back, then out and back again. I walked a short bit at the end of most miles, and sometimes I really didn't need to. Even more surprising, I ran this on a few bites of pork and 3 egg whites! I listened to Deena Kastor's audiobook and was hooked and stuck on it. Great book finished it Monday morning! Lots of positivity thinking and mental shift.

I did 15 miles on the I&M then back home I ran 1.2 more with LA. I stuck to the goal of only 2 meals this day - one big meal after the run (so full and satisfied) then a small snack I almost didn't need once we arrived back to Michigan. 

EQUINOX at 11:33am Sunday, right after my run. Goals for spring - sit when eating! stop being distracted, and mind shift. COMMIT to the changes, stop toeing the water. 

Leaving my "marriage" to M, and going to marriage with LA

 Today! At least on paper. We are going to have the legal part of the ceremony at 6pm, 5 hours! 

The last....how many years now....at least... that time in Roseville CA, that time living in either IVCC or UIUC (the garbage can incident)... that was maybe 1993-1995.....how many years is that? If I use 1995, it's 27 years.

It wasn't constant for 27 years. M came and went. In and Out (no pun intended, but haha). Times of stress he's here, other times it depended, other times he never crossed my mind. 

I started keeping track in about 2018 or so. Vowing to kick him out. Swearing we're done, I even wrote him a letter some time last year. Or the year before. 

The years have blended, I can't even tell them apart anymore. 

But the incidences stand out, and I could write a list the rest of this page with all those. But why. They're already in my head, will they still be in my head 27 years from now? 

I vowed recently again that this was over. This odd relationship with a neuronal pathway mapped and strengthened over these 27 years. A way of thinking, or maybe more accurately a way of coping. I'd vow and swear and go back over and over. 

I'm still coping, but I'm finding other ways to do it. And finding ways to avoid needing a coping mechanism. It's a slow process. 

But this morning on my run, I realized that I "make" myself do things - like make myself drink a bottle of water after the run before I have a meal - and instead of telling myself "this is the best thing for you, this is what you need and this decision wasn't made under duress but under self love", I tell myself "this is a rule and you must do it". Then I don't do it, maybe because in my head I don't have a good reason to do so. Intrinsic vs Extrinsic pressure, even when it comes from myself. 

I'm working on Accepting. I Accept that I had a heart attack. I Accept that I have a gall bladder issue. Coach Patrick suggested that my Struggle is in denying these things to myself. And I'm creating my own Struggle. The fight is all in my head. And I Accept that M is in my head, and the fight with him is creating a feeling of Struggle that causes stress, and to deal with the stress I turn to M. 

Why keep turning to M, he doesn't give anything back. He's a one-way path to waste, unhappiness, loss, negativity. I give and I give, and I just lose and lose. 

Or gain and gain, in another sense. Which is another issue - I've been stuck, mired down, and not moving. At least until the last month, when I'm finally seeing positive changes there. And that feels great. And I'm cleaning out the anxieties I was giving myself. And as this stuff cleans out, I'm getting clarity as to what causes the problems that lead to M and lead to coping activities. It's like clearing the peripheral messes in order to see the primary cause. 

I'm rambling a bit. Let's stop. 

My goal here, it to Again address the need to get rid of M. I'm marrying someone who is supportive, loving, giving, trusting - everything M is not. 

I haven't seen him since Tuesday, and I'll never see him again I hope. 
How's it going to be, when you don't know me anymore? 

Gall Bladder week and still 33.5 miles

Monday Rest Did I do strength?
Tuesday RUN 3 miles with LA
Wednesday RUN 6 miles treadmill, 10x 0.25fast/0.25rest 
Wednesday night ER
Thursday Rest
Friday RUN 4.5 miles in fresh snow
Saturday
Sunday - weekend need 8 miles! Got it!

No strength this week? Didn't I do strength on Monday? I think I did. 

Tuesday LA wanted to run, so we did a run to the Greenview Park, some walking, relaxing. Wednesday for some reason I was back on the treadmill for speedwork. Felt awesome!

Later Wednesday wasn't so awesome. I ate my eggs early at 11am (6 whites, 4 yolks, tomato, avocado) and by 1pm I started having RUQ pain. I thought it was that I ate too much, then I thought I wore out my back in the run, then I thought it was a gas bubble. I had a flow cytometry assay to run, and my denial of a problem was strong. But LA told me to go to the ER once I was done at work, so I did. I was there 7pm-3am!! The ultrasound showed "significantly distended" but no visible gall stone. The bloodwork was normal, apparently no infection or obvious signs. Then they start talking surgery!? This was followed by one more test to make a better decision, the HIDA scan after the morphine seemed to have the obstruction cleared - so no surgery immediately. But maybe still in the future?

Thursday I slept in and rested. I was still in mild pain with lots of "gut upset" (bloating, pain, super queasy) and kinda weakened from pain and stress. It ended with M and PB and queso. But not too much, but enough. 

Friday I woke up to snow and needed to "make up" for not running Thursday as planned. But I'm still weak and queasy, but 4.5 miles in my Stadium Loop. Friday night we start driving to Missouri, overnight in Greenup, arrive 8am for exchange.  

Sunday, I’d told myself I wanted 4.5-7.5.  I chose the hotel treadmill in case the others woke up. The fitness room was cramped, but I was pleased to not have a tv screen blocking my view. The first goal came and went, the second one came and went, and I knew I wanted the full 8. I got it! Felt great, no issues but happy. 

I’m happy that I worked my schedule to balance the long runs, that I got up early today to get this run, that k was willing to change the mileage if needed, and that even though I’m feeling sick I still got it all. In the end, it was 33.5 I think!

Rest Week + 12 miler!

Monday STRENGTH
Tuesday RUN 4 miles, 36 mins with 4x 800 pickups (~60s)
Friday RUN and STRENGTH: 3 mile treadmill then strength
Sunday RUN 12 miles 1:14, even splits

What a productive and restful week! And a good one for my Coach plans: 129.2! Whoa!

Tuesday's run was fantastic, south to Target and back with 4 half mile pickups. The Garmin said 8-8:30 m/m pace! 

Friday's run was to/from the gym as originally planned, it ended up being on the treadmill. Still got it done.

Sunday long run!! It was a windy day, I ran east to Country Farm Park then back into the wind. I was wore out by 11 miles, mentally and physically. It went great, now I still need to register for the marathon, but I'm waiting because ...  because of the week prior. I don't know how things are going to go

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In other news of the week, I'm selling my first stained glass projects maybe! I'll have to update, haha. My decluttering is quiet during the week, but this weekend while LA is in MO I'll have a go at that. And a big go on my to-do list, it's backed up with things from the last few weeks. Genealogy cleanup and declutter, declutter/basement cleanup, shop for and make family birthday presents, and buying new running shoes for the marathon I need to register for. I've set a goal to clear the list this weekend.

In other news, I'm starting my job as lab manager (interim?) and it feels good, to my surprise. So far anyway. I feel like I'm taking ownership a little, investing in the lab more. And I can make changes without worrying about stepping on someone else's job/toes. I'm motivated to improve things here for me and everyone. Am I good leader or manager? I guess I'll find out. In the meantime, I have this Huge to do list! 

And other news, 129 was seen yesterday and I got to wear the boots. And I get a song when I see it again. There was a new moon yesterday at 12:34pm and seriously yo you know I love a good alignment. I've been M'ing again and It Needs To Stop. And the Dairy I've been trying - It's Not Working. STOP. 

Lastly, my energy and focus and fantastic. No symptoms of anything. I think my anxiety is being addressed, it's certainly not perfect, but I wake up and I paint with coffee (I painted a pear with my new paints, I love my new paints!) or like this morning I finalized my stained glass sales for today instead of painting. One concern is my doggie, who doesn't get much attention lately. She doesn't get walked much, and it would be good for me to allot some time for that now that the weather has improved..

OOH Lastly for real this time - we're planning our wedding!

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Post week Monday update. 129 replaced by 133. I didn't stop the dairy, and M is still here. Is that why? I dunno. But I keep saying no more and but then there's more?! LA was in MO, I got a LOT done over the weekend, but the M too. Happily, I didn't by the cream cheese I wanted and I put back the almond butter I picked up!