This IS THE DAY...I signed up for Hennepin Hundred

RUN 4.35 miles in 42 mins, 142 bpm chest strap, 172 spm

With LC!! Who I should start calling LM, that's what she's been going by. But she's been LC all along these past 10 years, see if I can make the change. And wonder years later...who is LM? And what happened to LC? lol

Beautiful morning, just perfect, but we heated up and were sweating quite a bit. The leaves still had some rain on them, as we ran under we'd get a bit of cool water but not enough to really make a difference. BE dropped out in the first half mile, "wasn't feeling it" I think he said. So just me, LC LM, IT, and MS (MikeS).

I could feel the fatigue and effort, higher than expected HR, and sore right quad but kept going just the same. It's my rest week....gotta rest! Like swim, instead of extra bike, like yesterday.

We turned off at the zoo, IT and MS kept going. LM told me about her training plan, plans for racing Wisconsin 70.3 this weekend (!!YAY!!), and how she and her hubby DP were changing their affiliations for training groups. All good. Great seeing her :)

We stopped at 4.35 miles, when I'd hoped to do 5. I seriously considered leaving the truck to run another 0.65, or getting home and running it before going in the house. Ugh. REST.

Later that day I refreshed my Badger 100K and Hennepin 100 pages on Ultrasignup. I'd been doing the maths to see how many people were registering, so as I could gauge when I needed to register before they filled up. I noticed kinda by accident that HH had 19 more spots available!!! OMG!! I was going to wait until July to register, after D2D. But I couldn't wait that long now. It had to be in the next day or two.

SO I DID IT TODAY!! TODAY!! My "word" lately. I went through the sign up process twice, hesitated, paced, hesitated, saw that there were 18 slots left (I'm guess it was my pre-registration that did that?) (Maybe not, only 17 slots as of now, a few hours later).

Now my usual would be to tell everyone. The first to learn was coworker AH who had to deal with my pacing and thinking. How do I tell my family, the same people who dropped everything to help me last fall? I don't expect them to crew me, would be great to see them, but no expectations. My training partners, this is a few hours away so I don't expect to see them. But pacers would be nice.

Lots of things would be nice. Isn't that the theme of the past few days? Might be nice, but don't count it on happening.

Anyway, I texted my sis. Texted Jess to say I'd be home for her bday a few days after the race. That's as far as I've gotten. I'm eager to tell people, but not sure how. Or if they want to hear it. 

I'm gonna "Run my a$$ off", as the H100 (or is it HH100?) (H100-2019?) race company says.
I'll go with HH100, has a nice flow and easy to find tag.

This could be the day...run with no mental entourage

RUN 51 mins and 5 miles
COMMUTE 9.2 miles
More later ?? ETA BIKE 60' on Bird to quell some energy

Woke up to more quiet. Pre-run to quiet. Extra cocoa krispies cereal with some clamor. Ooooh gotta go.

Out the door, no one waiting at the corner for me like before. Was gonna run 4 with an out-n-back to the TGP bandstand but added in a loop around BP with Lemp. About 3-4 mins in I can up with a potential explanation for a primer alignment question I was stuck at work with yesterday. A benefit of not having a mind full of voices? I was tired soon, heavy, and blamed the slow hills.

It wasn't the hills, I was just tired. My quads were sore and I had the urge to foam roll them. Keep going, out to TGP and now ready to walk a bit. So I did. No one behind me. I just let myself walk, 30 seconds or so at a time. My HR reflected the fatigue. Even though I was doing only (only...) 10 m/m my HR was hovering around 150, my "upper limit" set by Dr W.

Round the bandstand (goooooaaaaallllll!!!!) and back around. Still more walking Wow, glad I didn't a 10-miler on the plan today! I think I would have pushed through though. I would have made it happen. Walking or no, I would have done it.

I still felt good when I got home, happy I found a solid 5-miler route. Thought maybe the next time a 10-miler seemed intimidating I'd run this twice. Is that a mental cheat? I mean, really. Would I really leave the house again after a stop halfway through the run, or would I cheat out and quit?

Or did my 'urge' for a BM influence this thinking? Like yesterday, about 1 mile in I had the urge to "go", even though I went beforehand. This has been a trend the past few weeks. At least controllable. Ugh.

This is my rest week, I could have biked? But on the bike into work I was fatigued, and thought maybe I could swim. I still can. I haven't swum since ... February? Just no urge. But I'm wasting my $42/month for the YMCA. Believe it or not, I'm seriously considering an hour ride tonight. Why? I want to!!

Lunch with TV by the plaza in the heat. Mouse harvest for TGs. Lotsa sitting it seems. But my steps are in. Maybe I should leave a bit early from here. For my bike ride?!

This could be the day...I get to work on time

RUN 5 miles in about 50 mins, 5 minute tempo intervals on track
COMMUTE 13.8 miles

Woke up still feeling strong, and alone. The voices are quiet. Like the backwood girls in the book I enjoyed as a kid (still have a copy of the book), the BG's would normally follow me around and oddly enough talk about me in the third person. I know, I know, makes little sense. But to me was the normal.

Now is quiet. Sometimes I turn around and look to prove they really aren't there right now. How long will this last?

Up early and on time for the run, the weather channel said rain possible from 8-11. But when I took Puppy into the alley for the ride to the track there were dark clouds suggesting rain at more like 6am. Oops.  Rode to track anyway, got an easy mile in with light rain before BE joined in. He drove, and turns out he also wanted to get to work on time today.

He had his HR monitor on, and ironically after programming mine yesterday I forgot to wear the chest strap today. Duh. BE clocked the intervals of
4 mins 70% (1 min 60%)   8  and 7:55-8
3 mins 80% (2 min 60%)   7:25  and 7:20
2 mins 85% (3 mins 60%)  7  and  6:51
and 1 min 90% (4 mins 60%)  6:34 

These felt great, I just ran and ignored the HR. Garmin says the run intervals were pretty speedy for me right now -- I added them in above. Really? Is this right? Or is the garmin cutting corners on me?  And since no HR chest strap, no HR data. We walked the 60% sections. I'd rather have jogged, but I followed his lead.

BE and I talked about the rain. He said he thinks of it as an emotional amplifier. Never thought of it that way! So we decided that since we were enjoying the run, the rain made it all the better.

Home with the goal of getting showered and fed and walked and out the door to get to work closer to 9am, instead of my usual-of-late 10am. WIN!
---
As for my mental state. I think the word is insecure about things with SO. I want to ask, is everything OK? And has something changed? That's where I am on that. Just want to know. I hate the "waiting" I think I'm doing, waiting for him to message (none yesterday), and only a brief reply to mine this morning. Just want to know. Did I do something? Did I not do something? Is it me at all? This isn't the first time I've wondered this.
---
As for my This could be the day -- put that in my tattoo?  haha, run out of skin trying to get all these words in. But today I'm moving on getting estimates for house jobs that need to be done. No more optimistically hoping that Dad or TV or someone might be available to help me with it. What are they supposed to do, read my mind? If I can't bring myself to ask a favor, then I need to grow the fuck up.

Same goes for my left neck and shoulder. The tingly/stabbing pain is spreading out from the spine into my left shoulder, behind the shoulder blade. I should call Dr L, but feel like such a nag for doing so. So no complaining until you grow the fuck up and call.

This could be the day...new moon

BIKE 20.3 miles in 1:22, 3x TGP: 17:09, 16:48, 16:44
COMMUTE 9.2 miles

Went to bed in a mental state, and woke up in the same. I realized last night that I'm still hanging on to old ideas, old formats, the past. Was a harsh wake-call. But like I learned on Saturday from Zen & The Art of Triathlon on Saturday: I can't control my emotions, but I can control my reactions. I didn't react to this right away, I thought about it and walked away from it best I could. Hour or two later I responded.

So this morning, this could be the day I quit putting myself in the victim position.

While it bothers me (what happened last night), I'm doing OK with it. Probably because it was hard truths exposed. On both sides. I'm typing this post first, not sure I'll get into what happened yesterday in yesterday's post or not. Really doesn't belong here?

What hard truth did I realize? That I'm alone. It's all on me. I can't count on anyone else. I can't wait for anyone else. No one is going to help me. To stop waiting for something to happen and just take care of it. And -- I'm not the goal, I'm not the prize, I'm not that special.

Anyway, great ride this morning, even with the mental distraction and the now-constant realization that I put myself in the victim position (I just don't have a better way to say it yet). The voices in my head that usually clamor back and forth are really quiet today. It's like the curtain was pulled back on them, and instead of hearing them behind me I can now see them for what they are.

Ugh, back to the ride. Lap 1 we talked about...the weekend, WH pool,..?  Lap 2 mentioned the Blues and hockey, comparisons to lacrosse and cricket. Lap 3 got into politics, lightly so, and it was pretty surface deep. I almost never talk politics with anyone, I just don't care enough about them. But the hockey discussion -- to my surprise I knew some stuff! The Neutral Zone though, that's not the Romulans, LOL.

I came into the ride thinking that since this is a rest week, I should only do 2 intervals. I also thought I'd be too tired to ride good. And I thought....oh fuck it. My stupid head.

This could be the day...I fight back the demons

This is just a catch-up post for June.

My bullet journal mantra/cover for June is "This could be the day you stop doing that self-destructive thing you do". Found in late May, hung on to it. Felt kinda odd putting that "out there" like that, anyone looking at my calendar will see a mini version of that on each weekly page.

But it's time to get upfront on this shit. I'm tired of feeling sick. Feeling sorry for myself. For using the past as an excuse. For focusing on me so much, like I'm somehow different. For limiting myself based on what the voices in my head say about me. For seeking approval from all the wrong places. For waiting for things to happen for me. For expecting others to fill in gaps for me.

Done with it. Each month I lay out 30 or 31 goals for the month. This month it's tidying up the stomach issues (this whole mental issue with the "hard truths" came after the 30 days was laid out).
The plan is to track what I do, see how it effects me, eliminate some potential dietary issues.

Oh JFC I'm still bullshitting myself. I also added a 3x3 grid to track my demons, purple and yellow, the 9 nazgul in my head including Blerch, Balrog, Devil, and Monster.

But now I have this new demon, this mental victimization demon of self doubt and coping mechanisms. Really, the 9 demons above are probably the coping mechanism for this self doubt.

I told myself if I could go 3 days with no M, I could sign up for Badger. Today (Monday) is day 3! Then what for Hennepin? The rest of June? Hate to have the race sell out.....

But no urge for D or M or Balrog. Blerch is having internet issues at the dining room table, jeez that should make things easier for me, right?!

This post didn't really delve as deep as I'd hoped it would. Let me incubate on it. Still too new to spell out. And still waiting to see what comes of yesterday's text exchange.

NUMERICS  16:36 hours! Doesn't include bike commute time, but does include the long Memorial Day ride.
BIKE 126 miles
RUN 45.8 miles (on goal!)
COMMUTE 29.6 miles

That adds up to 200 miles yo!

This could be the day...I get some hard truths

BIKE 50 miles in 3:40, in town with RM on the Hub route plus more
2400 feet elevation, ave 13.6 mph (huh?), ave HR 111 bpm

So for some comparison, I rode 60 miles last weekend in 3:40-something. That was out of town, this was in town. Lots of stops, but geez still the speed seems low? Data is data, can't argue it.

I rode to RM's house and oogled the Trek he was testing to buy. The bottom bracket on his Synapse went out, the cost of repair almost equal to the value of the bike. Nice Trek, I think I saw a PowerTap, was a carbon frame with Di2 shifting, and a pretty jewel-tone on black paint job.

We rode west to Webster Groves on roads I've driven and gotten lost on. Lockwood to Kirkwood to Geyer to Clayton (no idea Geyer went as far as Clayton, and what a NICE stretch of road!). Clayton to Mason Ridge (this was a familiar area to me), up to S Outer 40 (new to me), then south along 270 back to Clayton, then south on Ballas to Dougherty Ferry (long hill stretch)!, Dougherty Ferry (traffic!) to Big Bend, the BB east past SOs butterfly garden, back on to Geyer, then close the loop back home.

RM loves the bike for it's jump and climbing, I love the ride for it's novelty and company and challenge! Lots of new road to me.

I rode to work with the goal of grabbing the Garmin charger since it was going to die before tomorrow's TGP ride, but my ID card wouldn't open the door. And I didn't bring my keys, so on to Walgreens. But by the time I reached Chouteau I was out of energy. My only fuel on this 3.5hr+ ride was half an orange with a good breakfast! I wasn't starving hungry, but I was out of fuel. Walgreens later.

Home, ate too much too fast I think and felt sick the rest of the day. Shopping errands, OfferUp sale, tried to get stuff done. Tried to nap but failed.

Regarding these hard truths...do I want to spill that here? I texted the dog owner about reimbursement for the medical bills. This was hard for me to do. While trying to nap, I text chatted with SO and in what I thought was an off-hand comment said I texted the owner. He didn't answer to it until much later, with a "news flash they aren't going to pay, hire a lawyer asap, that's all i'm going to say on this", paraphrased. I replied, I know but I'm going to try. And said I tell him because I value his opinion. It wasn't my goal to bring this topic up, I knew he didn't want to hear about it from now and before. Then the reply, which made me sick to my stomach almost. Something to the effect of "read my last message again, i and everyone else told you to call 911, get report filed, can't run from the reports, please don't talk to me about this again."  This hurt so much to read that I don't even want to open my phone to copy it as he wrote it.

Crushed. Not for the fact that he didn't want to talk about it, really. But for the fact that I'm apparently just a nag or drag on him? That he wasn't open to my explanation, that 911 wouldn't make him pay the bills and I did in fact call the police? That it just came across so damned harsh. Not door closed, but slammed shut in my face.

He followed with "good night. get some rest ok!" Now this seemed nice enough? Like maybe just the dog topic was the issue, not the rest of me?

I immediately went to bed. Crushed. Felt sick. WTF? I thought about it. And here's what I came up with:

-I do value his opinion, and he gave it. It's not that I didn't like his opinion, it's the delivery. But still, he's right and I know that and it hurts for some reason.

-He offered his advice the day it happened and I didn't act on it, even though I didn't ask for. For the record I didn't ask today either. So I essentially turned his advice down, as if I didn't value it. I did what I could that day, between being sick and the panic and the confusion I felt. But he doesn't know that. He wanted me to call 911, but I specifically didn't want the noise and drama and continued contact with the dog and people. I just wanted to get calm and home.

-For years I was in with a spineless twat, and one reason I respect SO is that he's anything but that. So while I appreciate him being like this, it's just a shock to have it happen like this. But I appreciate it. I don't want lies and platitudes and non-committal answers. Maybe I'm so used to being coddled? Maybe I expect it? I've felt like a victim since 2014 when the whole ball of shit started rolling, like I just went from one drama to the next, and maybe I'm treated different or expect to be?

-Finally, why did this hurt so much? Why did it feel like such a smack in the face? Was he mad at me? Or just mad at this topic? Will I hear from him again? (Writing this on Monday, almost 5, not a word yet). What do I expect from this? Maybe I wanted some support, in a "good for you for trying" sort of way?

For some context, I asked RM after the ride what he thought, he said I need to be a better negotiator and quit being so nice.

So before falling asleep, I texted back "in bed, hope sugar lets me sleep, good night".
He replied back, "hope sugar lets you sleep, night night"

I realized in that hour or so, that I'm on my own here. I have friends. I have family. But I'm on my own.

This could be the day...I run long! 25 in Rockwoods/Al Foster

RUN 25 miles in 4:42! 11:18 m/m ave

There was lots of walking intervals, or at least it seemed that way to me. So the break-down of data is different.

Zone 1 HR: 0:26 
Zone 2 HR: 1:45
Zone 3 HR: 2:27
Right now I can't find what Garmin thinks my zones are. Ugh, looking...

Zone 1 is 50-60%  114-127
2 is 60-70%           127-140
3 is 70-80%           140-154
4 is 80-90%           154-167

Got the idea...but a percentage of WHAT...says max HR is 180 and resting is 46. No help there yet. Google says us %HRR which is a percentage of a heart rate reserve, which is my max HR minus the resting HR. Oh fuck this,
change it to BPM. So now I've typed in the numbers above.

I'm not sure if this changes my data from the run. Anyway. Back to the data.
1400 ft elevation change all in the first 15 miles.
Ave HR 138 and ave cad 164. 

The cadence is low for the walking. But the HR still seems higher than it should be?

Anyway, back to the run. Up early for the drive to the Al Foster area, I'd mapped out a run there with some out-n-back in Rockwoods along the road with the water fountain. My distance guesstimates were a bit off -- I reached Rockwoods at about 2 miles, and the gate at the other end of Rockwoods at 4.5 miles. Listening to Joe Rogan's interview with Tool vocalist. Even with the cars right along me, this was a great segment with shade and water and bathrooms. After hitting the gate, turning back down the hill I stopped for bathroom biz, then kept going. I was surprised to see SO driving in for his ride after a midnight shift. I waved, and didn't think he knew who I was, he just kept driving. I didn't want to interrupt his ride prep. I wondered if he'd come out to find me? I sent a short phone message "Hi. Have a great ride"

At mile 7 or so, near the park entrance he caught up to me. I'm happy to see him! I ask on butterflies, he asks how far I'm going, I ask what happens if I keep running on the south road of the park, he says hills. I don't want to hold him up from his ride, but at the same time wanted to see him. I writing this on Monday, after what happened Sunday, so I'm trying to keep Saturday's perspective here. He rides off, I take the south road. Yup, hills. Faster cars, more sun, more hills. I turn around and head back to the north road and head up to the gate.

Hit the gate, stop for one of my failed rice cakes (just yuck, not again), back down the hills, another bathroom break, assess my Camelbak water levels, decide to get to the truck for refill and finish the the run on the softer and flatter Al Foster.

Hit the truck at 17 miles.  Only 8 more to go! I'm feeling good but warm, maybe a bit dehydrated but no stomach upset or specific pains. I grab my purple chamois "cooling" towel and wear it at as a scarf. Off to the trail.

I started to lag more here. Maybe more sugar needed. The entire run was on 4 tootsie roll pops, 3 mini chocolate bars, and most of two of the rice cakes. And a good breakfast. I was using the last of the pops as a distraction and sugar, but not sure it was enough. I walked more, and let myself walk as that was the plan to start mapping out my run/walk intervals.

Came across a loose dog on the trail, the owners caught it, and I only had mild anxiety. Stupid anxiety. Kept going, hit the sandy area (wore my butterfly gaiters just for this segment) but it flooded out soon with tree debris. Back to the other fork, too muddy and rocky for the road shoes I was wearing. I meant to turn around at 4 miles out or 21 miles total, but I turned back at just over 20 and knew I'd have to find an extra 2 miles.

Really lagging now, but no urge to quit. My feet were starting to hurt, I was just low on motivation, and that's it. But that's almost enough to ruin a race, especially if the weather goes back or the terrain too rough. But 21, 22, 23, used that short "overlook" out-n-back of 0.5 miles, then back on the AF to hit the needed out-n-back distance to end at 25 at the truck.

Think I saw MattyD twice on the AF. Saw cacti with bright yellow flowers blooming. Saw a few milkweek, but no caterpillars. Saw the mini railroad tracks, a few swallowtail butterflies.

Great run!! I was a bit nauseated by the end, didn't want to run another step, was NOT motivated to hit the "magical" 26.2 distance (save that for another day). Cleaned up, changed clothes at the truck, drove home. Thanks to road construction the drive took an hour. Ugh.

Once home, I was sore and tired, but not totally wiped out. Had trouble getting to sleep.

I didn't have to run 25 today, the plan says 20 today and 5 tomorrow, but I knew I'd be biking tomorrow and 5 just seemed too damned hard after today. Hahaha. I'm glad I pushed it through, proved I could, showed my nutrition is weak but on track. My road shoes should be good for Badger 100K and Hennepin 100M.

Oh, my back.  Don't forget that. Very uncomfy when the Camelbak was fully loaded, like an uncomfortable squeeze through the ribs. And my next into the left shoulder, that stabbing burning pain seems to be spreading into the shoulder blade? Why don't I do something about it?! Stupid shit move.