Good start to November

Monday GYM

Tuesday RUN 3 miles
Wednesday GYM and CP workout; RUN 1 mile in evening
Thursday RUN 4 miles

Friday planned rest
Saturday/Sunday planned RUN 10 miles and GYM: Actual RUN 3 miles and 30 mins of STRENGTH

And the habits are off to a good start - modifying M3 and post M3, eating better foods, and focusing on down time to rest and think. 

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Well it's Saturday and I've currently no inclination to run. Maybe the gym. I'm anxious. At work, not working at the moment. Bouncing. Unfocused. Websurfing. I had a "good" morning: cleaned house and ahead on chores; color penciled; walked dog; extra Russian. LA is with the kids and I want to check in and talk, but not when I'm in this mood. Maybe talking would get me out of the mood?

I waited until noon - good. Last night I made a CHOICE to toss the PB that I wanted. But also last night I FAILED to choose avoiding the rice, and I threw it away in the end. 

I'm unhappy with how my body feels. Heavy, swollen. Even my face is swollen. My hands, legs, wrists, and worst my chest. I wish I could remove them, but alas that can't happen. 

You made choices - do I need to list them? They stampede through your head but deflect before they are acknowledged. It's a conflict and a dissonance and a denial and a fear and an immature approach. Make a list on paper, at least. Then throw it away. 

Jeezus it's a long and growing list. 

And the good part - the only good part - is that I had ZERO M of any of it. Wow, that's amazing. 58 days today I think!

As I'm making my list, I'm like "well some of this was counted" but really now, if all was accounted for just by counting we wouldn't be feeling this way, would me. 
It doesn't matter if you counted it, you ATE it. That's what matters. Junk food. No wonder you feel awful. 

I'm looking for lemon recipes. Lemon mug cake. Lemon cake mix. Lemon frosting. Reminds me all of M. Remember being in the kitchen at Wyoming? Remember the BC from the Save A Lot, in the bushes? In the sink? In the bag? So long ago, seared into memory though. 

I've been at work only two hours. Feels like all day.

Really - I just realized this - my list is not a list of junk foods but a list of broken promises. Stuff I said I wouldn't eat for one reason or another, then ate anyway. My lack of trust, my lack of integrity. 

I feel awful because I feel like I did this to myself. I quit commuting by bike, I quit going to the gym, I quit running, and I quit making good food choices. So yes, your body will feel heavy, fatigued, swollen, and sluggish. You know how to fix this! Do what you enjoy - bike run gym. 

ETA On Sunday I didn't feel like running either. It seems that if I don't get up right away and run right away I lose momentum. I went to work, then on the way to the gym I started doing the "well I could swing by the house and change my shorts..." and "I could get groceries first then go back to the gym..." and holy JFC I had to talk myself back into going to the gym first. And I DID IT! Run, strength, Aldi, library, Kroger, home. Some munching, walk dog, munch dinner, shower, meal prep. 

I held to my promise to go to the gym!

And wouldn't you know it - today I pulled out a beginner run-focused triathlon plan to get a cross-training habit going and TODAY I see the pool is closed next week!