I knew it wasn't my heart, but now I think it's my head

On Tuesday I had the cardiac stress test. I really wanted to cancel this, but I sought out Dr B for his expert opinion so ignoring the advice of said expert is needless to say quite rude. So I went with it.

Fasted from 11am on, and was in an almost nervous state all day. At least I was tired and hip-hurting, that kept me from getting to tizzied, right? Ugh. The RN who set me up was the same Polish woman from October, and the sonographer was the same too. Again he explained everything and talked through the images and exam. Great distraction.

I had to be on my left side for the sonogram, this left my hips burning pain from whatever-nerve-or-otherwise problem they have. The treadmill normally used in a stress test was in my line of sight, and I stared longingly at it. I had so much more to say about this but now as I type it the words and emotions aren't there. Here. Whatever.

They noted I was bradicardic (resting HR 42) and that I'm an athlete.Well at least I was. I wondered if I'd need more drugs to get my HR up to the goal 85% of max?  For the test, my HR came up to 150-something, sadly the Garmin didn't capture it because it thought I wasn't moving (MOVE!) so it didn't record. Nuts. Neat feeling, to see the EKG trace jump-jump-jump so fast and feel the THUDs of the beat in my chest while being still.

A few things from this -- it's great to see my HR still in the low numbers, tells me I haven't deconditioned so much? My CV system still great, but the soft tissues and joints really out of adaptation. And it's great to feel the heart run like that, like revving the engine, to feel (and see!!) how strong and fluid and flexible and ready it feels.

When the results came back a day later as "all good", I already expected the answer so I was neither excited or relieved.

But the damage was done. I spent a week in that "fragilizing" state -- wondering if something's wrong, having doubts planted in my brain, and those seeds of doubt just being there is enough to impact how I think about my body.

I have such doubts about it, I don't trust or know my body right now. I feel like I'm a prisoner in a body that's not mine.

Next up an ultrasound with Dr McM. I concerned that I'll have to make a decision -- keep it or remove it -- and I'm not ready to make that decision. I need more info, and maybe the decision won't present itself anyway.