I know the pieces fit, because I watched them fall away.
That was 2019. The pieces fit.
There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away.
Can't keep putting this off. My goal is to print the book and get it wrapped up.
I last wrote on Dec 13th. Since then life is up and down and up and down. I'm not sure how much to put in here? Usually I put it all down so someday I can look back and see how it was. But do I want to remember this crazy?
Dec 16th was my last day at work before leaving with LA for a vacation to North Carolina! My first in 5 years, the last vacation being B2B in Wilmington NC on my birthday 2014. That vacation was hell. The race was great, a golden day in the midst of a stress-filled and unhappy stretch of life. This time, however, was wonderful. I actually ate food - real food not food I packed and brought along. Sure I got some stomach upset, but not enough to deter me. And I actually didn't run, bike, swim, anything at all (more on that below). I would have liked to, but even if I could it wouldn't have fit the relaxed vibe of this trip. The days watching Game of Thrones in the giant marshmallow-like sleeping bag while the ocean was in front of us. Walking the beach and finding shells. Sleep-in mornings and otherwise unplanned days. Loved it.
Them home to a day at lab. Mice still don't understand holidays. Then up to my parents for Christmas. More relaxation, family, and love.
New Year's with LA, all day. Mom and Dad visited for doctors appointments, LA to Virginia. And me back to work to remember what it was I did in my normal life.
My normal life. What a thing to day. Life is not normal right now.
Throughout December my right hip continued to ache and hurt. I walked with a limp, and my left hip started to sing the same song but a different tune. I kept denying it's problems, but was happy to find that even after sitting for hours in the truck to/from NC my hip started to feel better. It was the lack of walking, I think.
Home from NC with a UTI to Urgent Care at midnight/morning of Dec 24th. Thankfully the meds quickly alleviated symptoms, Christmas with that pain would have been awful. The UTI returned on Jan 2nd, more urgent care and a not-as-quick recovery. I'm currently (January 12th) 3 days off antibiotics and watching for a similar post-treatment recurrence. So far so good.
December 31st saw Dr L and he said my range of motion is great, but the continuing pain means something else is going on. Further treatment suspended until I get re-evaluated by Orthopedics and see his homeopathy-ish reference Dr JS.
So I contact Ortho. Set up appointments with Dr JS.
Jan 3rd or so I start feeling awful, swollen body (ankles and boobs, wtf with that?!), the return of that crippling fatigue with headaches, nausea, and more. I joke with LA about being pregnant and that I should check my IUD. And of course, I can't feel the strings. At least, I don't think I can.
Jan 6th call Dr McM while on the way to an appt with Dr B, she says to take a home-test. JFC, my parents are here and that little story will stay mental.
Jan 6th appt with Dr B - I'm stressed, sick, feeling awful, unfocused, and have trouble answering questions. I try to write off the chest pain I've been having while walking the dog as stress due to hip pain. He says he doesn't care about the hip pain and schedules me for a cardiac stress test. UGH I feel like I'm failing at this. Especially since I can't do the treadmill version due to my stupid fucking hip.
Jan 8th dentist says my old filling had decay and I need a crown, may or not need a root canal.
Jan 10th I finally call Dr JS office to inquire about the nature of these scans I'm scheduled to have on the 16th for $150. One is a bioresonance scan for the "frequencies produced by microorganisms and disease" and another to measure the galvanic skin response to digital signatures of common food allergens. What in the fucking hell. I cancel the scan. I might even cancel the February appointment. I'll lose $40 of my $160 deposit, but is it worth $120 to hear more of this crazy?
Jan 10th my bone scan says I'm stable and maybe even improved in terms of bone mineral density, but the pubic bone stress fracture and apparent lack of healing prompted them to suggest going back on something like Forteo or the newer Tymlos. UGH. I ask if they are indicated for stress fractures, answer was 'no'. What? This decision put off until I see Orthopedics.
As it stands right now, I have 17th appt to see Dr McM for ultrasound to check IUD. Appt on 27th with Orthopedics and another later in the day with Dr A. The goal of this appointment is to get after some other symptoms -- fatigue, weight gain, lack of injury healing, whatever else.
Thinking about this spins my head into despair, and I'm now sure that the symptoms of acute depression that I sometimes feel are due not to actual depression but instead due to just mental meanderings into the depths of "what's wrong with me".
As of today. My right hip pain is now acute and worse. The fracture pubic bone aches and has recently developed sharp acute pains (mayhaps correlated to the two 30 min Bird rides I did this week, the timing fits). My left hip pain matches the right hip pains in the anterior hip, but lacks the lateral (trabecular?) acute pain, and most of the bone pings. My back is weak but the fatigue and tightness comes and goes. My left knee hurt on the first Bird ride, but only hurts on flexion. Enough on the stupid hip.
Other news I don't normally cover here. The "staying with" progressed to "living with" and entertains on the idea of "moving in". This is entirely unexpected for me. Never would have guessed all this. It started the week after Thanksgiving and since then life has a target. Instead of waking up and thinking "another day, how many more I have to go through" I instead look forward to it. It's a positive change on many fronts -- social, food, mental and optimism, physical and health. My house is now not just a place I go to because work is done. I go there and enjoy being there. And Sugar's not complaining either, haha, more food for her. This is off-topic in the blog, but I do have to mention it for the positive effects and major life change.
I'm still listening to music, and my playlist just called up Don't Stop Believin' as I finish this post.
Payin' anything to roll the dice just one more time
Oh, the movie never ends, It goes on and on and on and on
Don't Stop Believin'
Hold On To That Feeling
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