Time for me to quit waiting

SWIM: 75 mins and 2500y. Lots of fast sets of 50’s and 100’s.

What a morning. Here it is the last day of November and I’m still not where I want to be. And it’s a long story to explain it all. I’m trying to be happy. But why am I not happy?
But just starting out with today. Woke up OK at 4:10, banana and coffee, all as per usual. I was working on emails (the 5 or so that arrived overnight), knew I had to eat more so I dug out almond meal (of all things) and had a few spoonfuls of that. What the hell kind of snack is that? Left a mess on the counter, had to keep wiping it up…But it tasted good, I like almond meal! Should have made me happy.

Anyhoo I keep working on emails to the point that I show up late for the 5:15am swim. Doing the math, it’s pretty obvious that I get up early enough! But I didn’t leave the house until 5:15. I enjoyed the hamster song on the drive over, it made me happy. But didn’t enjoy walking in late and having CHG point out that at 5:31 I “was almost late”. He says it jokingly and never harshly, but there’s truth in jest and he’s right. Besides, it’s disrespectful to show up late. Every week.

The 2nd lane was full and I wasn’t feeling all that aggressive this morning. So I opted for the 3 peopled 1st lane. There was another swimmer that who swam my speed (BH) so it’s not like I was the jerk who should be a lane over. We all worked great together. And I learned that the guy in that lane wants to do triathlons! He should join the club! That made me happy.

I also had a good swim, the shorter sets and longer intervals given to this lane are comforting to me. Not like 2nd lane where I get anxious about being slow. This made me happy, I took it easy and at the end of the hour I had 1600y. This didn’t make me too happy. During the hour we had “go fast” sets. I timed a few but not all—50-53s for 50y including my turtle of a turn at the wall. Not bad! But I didn’t time other sets and so when CHG asked for times I didn’t have one. He didn’t seem happy. This made me unhappy.

I had resolved to staying after to get the 1:15 time in with a goal of hitting at least 2200y. I’ve calculated that if I do 2200y Mon/Weds and 3200 Sat I will reach my 100 mile goal with time to spare. That makes me happy! Being focused on an otherwise meaningless number instead of the quality of the swim—unhappy. I worry that these are junk yards. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg in my head. I get to the point that I end the swim without focus, having lost count, and having forgotten what I’m doing. My head is turning a million miles/minute with my to-do list, my lack of time, my problems…

I get out of the pool and shower, trying to figure out what my deal is. Why am I so stressed?!? I go week to week like I’m just waiting for something to happen. Waiting on…? It always seems I’m waiting for some even to come and go, thinking that after this event I’ll have so much free time to catch up. But week after week after week I’m still waiting! I get to the point that I’m so out of the day I’m in that I don’t even know what day I’m in! Heck, I missed my DH’s bday Sunday because I thought the his bday was still a week away! I’m a week off?!

That’s nothing new. It’s even worse when my training schedule is different. Monday swim. Tuesday bike. Weds swim. Etc. Change that and my week is messed up. The past week was pretty messed up with the holiday schedule. I though Weds was Friday, Thursday was Sunday, Friday was Saturday…that doesn’t even make sense.

So here I am….waiting. For what?

The post-swim morning was capped off by the realization that I left breakfast at home, along with a snack and my gloves. I need the gloves to run today. Who am I kidding? I don’t have time to run today! I want to run, but I can’t. This stresses me. I want to run. I was unhappy to have forgotten all this but happy that DH could bring it to me. Still a very up/down day.

Breakfast, then off to work. Soon after breakfast I feel sick. Hot. Dizzy. Lots of pain in my lower back. I feel the need to walk so I talk a loop through the hamster tunnels. Gas in my gut? Bad food? Flu? Geez, this stresses me out! I take another walk. I feel like I’m on fire in my gut. I finally call DH, I just want to go home. But I have work meeting, and by the end of the meeting (during which I’m trying not to sleep) I feel somewhat better. If it was gas, where did it go? Flu doesn’t heal over an hour. Did I stress myself out? The fact that I could be doing that stresses me out. I make a point of thinking more on this.

What is my problem? What do I need to solve this? I feel like I have no time management. Do I need a better day planner? A time management course? (That would take time—HA!)

What I need is to quit biting off more than I can chew. I know this, yet I can’t fix it. Just take a peek at what my current iPaper to-do list looks like: 13 things under the Club heading and that’s after I crossed a bunch off this morning. 5 things under training. 13 things under the house. 5 things under errands. 9 things under work, and 9 under the next newsletter notes. My current projects include the club (newsletter, website, forums, board transition, sponsors), the house (stairs and office and patio), Christmas shopping (haven’t even started it yet), helping family with web page questions (I have barely started that, why did I offer to help if I don’t have time?!), and all the stuff at work. But I get paid for that.

Oh, and Ironman training. Add Training For An Ironman to that already huge list.

I have so much shit going on my head can’t keep it all together on some days. I have days where the to-do fuels me. The multi-tasking is like a drug. Crossing things off a list is my version of taking a line of drugs.

But on days where I get overwhelmed, the flood just runs me over.

So what do I need to do to get things in order? I can’t have days where I get so down on myself that I’m mentally crushed. (whether I made myself sick this morning or not is still under debate. Or denial).

What am I waiting for? I’m always on edge, as if waiting for something. And once this Something passes, life will get Better.

At the end of swim practice, I got out to pay CHG for another punch card. 12 more practices down and 12 more (11 really) that I’ve promised to do! While on the deck, my 2011 Savageman song is on the radio: Time For Me To Fly. Time for to fly, indeed. Time for me to find myself. Time for me to set myself free.

If only I could figure out from what.