Tuesday, December 31, 2024

108 Hard Day 2 Dec, 31st

Tuesday December 31st, 2024 

 -3 (or 2) meals and summary

1. 800 Day - hungry so 3 whites and yolk, some mayo, oats split
2. oat meal mix split
3. salad charcuterie board with turkey soup and veg, too much
-2 45' workouts
1. 10' jump rope, 15' run, remaining nova walk
2. 
-Something for 
1. Lev -am 
2. Nova - am play
-2 15' art
1. inventory stained glass, as planned
2. watercolor
-What I read 
JBP tried to read at lunch but got talking. Noah

-Summary of the Day
M3 still a problem
-Focus for tomorrow

Monday, December 30, 2024

108 Hard Day 1 Dec 30th

Monday December 30th, 2024
108 Hard Day 1

Friday was day 1, Saturday, Sunday...
Now it's Monday, first of the week, not yet first of the year (not waiting for it), and not yet New Moon.

Ooh I need to Google that moon. - "The rare 'black moon' of December 30 rises soon". Say what? 
Ah, a 2nd new moon in a calendar month. 
It will occur at 4:27 CT today! I'm not waiting for that either. 

I've started. And I'm for now using only a simple daily page to track:

  -3 (or 2) meals and summary

1. measured oats and yogurt, 845 standing with phone, at work, rushed
2. measured salad, at work, seated reading, a bit rushed but aware and slowed as I could
3. c-top ummej turkey, half-seated salad and veg and cottage cheese, returns for more veg
-2 45' workouts
1. 20 core, then 33m 2 mile walk
2. 45 min walk
-Something for 
1. Lev - kept my mouth shut
2. Nova - some play on floor
-2 15' art
1. started the peony in a glass watercolor
2. finished (almost) the peony, in one day!
-What I read 
JPB 3rd book. Noah chapter. Real quick, not valuing our history leads to destruction of society. And one person can uphold the truth successfully. The right to free speech is what the society is built on and requires, and that truth is your inner truth too. If you're being honest with yourself. 
-Summary of the Day
mostly to plan, again M3 is an issue. I don't wait.

-Focus for tomorrow
800 day, M3!

Friday, December 27, 2024

Christmas 2024

I'm about 15 days into a 75 Mostly Hard, I'm still failing on the meal plan part. I can say that I'm 15 days without fake butter, rice cakes, and potatoes. My goal was to also have 8a-8p limit, no mangos, less standing more sitting, .... 

We bought a dining room table set, and I've yet to include that in my thinking. I keep saying "tomorrow" or on New Years, or ... 

10 years ago I was in a real shitty spot in life. Take a few mins and go back to find that post. As per my usual then, I wasn't mentioning personal life stuff much. I distinctly remember being at my parents, being lost in my head, being afraid to admit to anything and afraid to talk like I needed to. I had a 42 mpw running goal, not sure why. I was having back spasms, might have been the spinal vertebral injury? I mentioned that Monster was gone. I didn't make detailed notes, but I do remember that he was gone for awhile as a christmas goal for myself. 

Now 10 years later, everything has changed. St Louis to Michigan to Nashville. Running for ultras to 75 Hard. Monster to No Monster. No marriage to married with 'children'. I do love the stepkids, I rarely call them that to they are 'Lev's kids'. 

Regarding Monster - 838 days!! I'd like to say he's gone but damned near every day, especially if stressed, he tries to reactivate. He's latent. A lifelong mental parasite. What's different now is the lack of any desire at all to actually engage with him. Gone, but not forgotten. 

Regarding running and biking and 75 Hard - I'm 90 days into 2x45mins, 1 gallon, 10 pages, photo. But only 0 days into a following a meal plan. I've talked about the struggle with this. That the plan makes specific the other points and leaves the meal plan too unspecified for me. It's only as specific as my disciple will make it, it's not the plan's fault. My plan is specific tho: BLE. 
1. No sugar - 344 days depending on how measured. Does the dried mango count? 
2. No flour - 344 days here, 1 year is Jan 14th
3. Measured - usually good for M1 and M2 during weekdays
4. Meals - super struggle here, again M1 and M2 weekdays are more successful

Then throw in the other 10-some rules I want to include and I come up against this ongoing list of ideals. These really aren't that hard. The sitting/standing rule is really part of #4. 8a-8p is #4 and #3. No Mangos is #1. I'm making this harder than it needs to be. 

I'm 2.6 hours away from finishing the 49 hour Gone with the Wind audiobook. I've 95% stopped any Russian practice. 

I'm sitting in the very back of our car, supposed to be working, with Nova panting and pacing, everyone else in headphones, hurrying to get to the kennel on time. I've been stomach-upset the last few days - it might be the 2 medjool dates? Hormones? Stress? 

I signed the termination papers for my coworker a few days ago. I'm not getting to my art at all lately. My stained glass bench is newly built and my art desk has a new addition. To be fair, the holidays are a tough time to get side stuff like that done! So be kind on that. But I'd like to make progress on painting, so many projects I screen shot and never get to. 

To be fair too, I'm doing 90 minutes of exercise a day and if I wanted to I could redirect 45 mins of that to art every day. But I'm stuck on the streak and more stuck on how good it feels to be active and outdoors. That part of 75 Hard has been great for me, I feel relaxed and better after my exercise. Could I do 2x30 mins a day, then 2x15 mins to projects? I'd like to do an actual 75 Hard and get it all right - which means the meal plan too. I want to continue my gallon, 10 pages, photo, and 2x45 over the holidays and into 2025. Then what? 

Because honestly it's not the 2x45 that I lose time in. I lose time in Moria. I can forget everything, but I can't forget Moria. I can run late but I'm always spending time in Moria. I'll make sacrifices and not paint and not visit and not talk, but Moria gets those sacrifices. 

And therein is my real problem. Moria + Reddit mostly. OK, so stop Reddit. I stopped Daily Mail and Reddit popular right after the elections, DM still stopped but Red/popular creeped back in. No more. Stopped. 15 mins of Reddit art, only. 

Then sitting not standing, meals not munch are the next clicks. Don't blame the commute, or the work, or the 2x45. It's the 30+ mins in the evening and 20+ mins in the morning that I lose time. Sick to my stomach. Full. Regret. Regret. Promises and Punishment. 

Regret. There's the biggest hurt. Regret each night. Each morning. So much accomplished, yet so much regret. 

Make your own Hard Challenge. 
108 Hard
1. No sugar no flour
2. Meals, not munches between 8-8. Planned/logged meals between 8-8. Under 1500.
3. Measured
4. Photo
5. Gallon
6. 10 pages of non-fiction on paper
7. 2x45 mins, with 1 outdoors per day and 3 or more times Fitness+
8. 15 minutes Russian
9. 2x15 mins of art, or more, am and pm, away from Moria
10. Something special for Lev and Nova, each day, distinct time
11. (10.8 rounded up, haha) Two fast days of 800. Tues and Thurs? 

Tips: do 15 mins Russian in one workout, or on the shuttle home; Do reddit on a walk or the shuttle, but not in Moria or at art desk; read during lunch; art with coffee in the am; art instead of standing in Moria in the pm; sit with nova instead of Moria; be with lev instead of Moria; 

12. Just get out of Moria. ? #2
13. Two fast days of 800? 
I can think of more, this is the problem
14. Log it all #2
15. Under 1500 #2
So again, these are all in the BLE already 

This is an anti Moria and anti Reddit list. 
Pro me. Pro Bee. Pro Future. Pro Family. 

So when I check the boxes at night, what will mean a purple win?
"follow a meal plan" and "no cheat meals"?
These seem kinda vague. So define them. What is a cheat meal for me? Rice cake and fake butter. Little bowls of stuff stirred together. Pretty much anything made in a coffee mug. Chicken + oil + salt. 
"Follow a meal plan". No sugar, no flour, no munching, no standing. BLE, duh. 

Make a plan. 

What do I do when I'm trying to get out of the house before work, and I'm hungry? Plan that 10 mins into the day, you never do that. 

What do I do when I come home hungry, cold, tired, mindless? Have a bowl of warmed soup. 

What do I do when I want to eat, but Lev isn't ready? Do something for lev! Go do art! Play with Nova. But wait, because this is a daily problem for you. 
-----
I wrote this Monday in the car. It's now Friday in White's Creek. I keep saying "tomorrow".

Today will be day 94. 28th=95. 29th=96. 30th=97. 31st=98. 1st=99. 2nd=100. 
Then I want to do another 100 days. 

I'm wasting time thinking. I want to make a tracker spreadsheet. I want to write a meal plan. No, I don't I'm tired of that stuff. 

Just start. Just go. Stop planning and start doing. 

Friday, November 29, 2024

Failed. Knowlingly. RESTART.

 Failed on Thanksgiving. Knowlingly. Like, I'm doing it and thinking this would normally be a restart. Justifications. Bitch voice. 

I'm looking at my bottle. "I killed a Balrog. You are so outclassed it's not even funny."

I've killed a Balrog. I've killed a Monster, but no, really the Monster has just changed and I need to kill that too. 

Make the definite list of rules Gawd Fucking Damn is that all you got?!

You have the list. Get it out. Fucking hell, all morning you've been breaking it. WFH is tough. Get over it and get GOING. 

Wednesday, November 27, 2024

Failed again. Restart again. Bought the App. Day 1

 Yesterday on Tuesday I failed again. I failed last week on Tuesday too. How many fails is this? OMG I just counted and it's the 8th restart. My 9th Day 1. 

Started 9-25. Restarted 10-3, 10-7, 10-13, 10-24, 11-4, 11-13, 11-19, and now 11-26. JFC. 

I'm at a loss, but not really, because this is what I've been doing for years. I'll start tomorrow. I'll start Monday. I'll start the next moon phase. I'll just restart, and all will be well. 

This is some sort of failure/denial mindset. It's OK to fail, I'll just restart. I'll deny there's a problem, I'll just restart. 

Tomorrow I want to be 123. Then another tomorrow 117. Then another tomorrow 112.
Tomorrow, will never come at this rate.

I've been toying with the idea of buying the app, but since I already had free apps I hesitated to spend the $7 for it. Over the weekend I set up one of my apps to show the streaks, this took a few minutes of repetitive clicking. Then it bothered me that water, workouts, reading, and photos were all perfect at 60-some days, but meal plan was low at less than 10. It led to thinking.... if I reach 75 days for workouts, will I take a day off or will I start to slack on the "finished" goals, while I wait for meal plan to reach 75? No, I wouldn't. But why would I even think that!

I've said before, the meal plan is the hardest for me for a few reasons. These bad habits are really entrenched, you could find these same goals 10 years ago in this blog. Also, this is the one habit that is so open to individual interpretation and definition. 

Even though I set the rules by while meal plan was to be followed, I continue to fail. If I'm following my James Clear Atomic Habits, it stands to reason that my environment could be improved to increase the likelihood of success.

Rules for the meal plan:
1. Follow BLE: No sugar, no flour, measured per plan, and no between meal snacks

For me this also meant:
1. Stop nibbling before M1 at the house, and have M1 as one meal not two
2. Prepack M1 and M2, especially for weekends when it's the hardest to follow
3. Come home, walk the dog, change clothes, feed the dog, have an apple, then do stained glass, meditation, play with dog, maybe get the 2nd workout done, have a sit-down M3 that was imaged, and eat that and only that. 

#3 falls apart at feed the dog. Enter Moria -->eat. The rest of the sequence falls apart. A few days I nailed this last week, and it felt great. How can I change my environment? 
1. Put the apple on a table either in the stained glass room, or by the book I'm reading. Not in Moria to feed the dog
2. Prepack M3 on a nice plate ahead of time to avoid prepping-noms
3. Meditate before the apple, just 2 minutes to calm down and derail this
4. more?

Really, it's so simple:
1. Don't do like yesterday with prep noms and half-sit eating and post M3 noms. Don't keep coming back for more. 3 dates only. I was feeling way too full after yesterday, and way too disappointed after I'd logged 800+ calories in just 3 hours. Hence restart. 

What is going to be different by having the app? Oh, I don't know. More invested? 
And day 2 is going to be at home for Thanksgiving! Then day 3, 4, 5 at home too!

Thursday, November 21, 2024

Today will be day 3

 Day 3, really following the rules and feeling better for it. I'm not stuffed at bed time, I'm up early and eager to workout. 

LA started surgical path rotation this week and has long hours. Ugh, it's hard to spend so much time alone, waiting to hear from him. He's grumpy, but I'll roll with it. 

Don't blow this! 

Tuesday, November 19, 2024

We Who Wrestle With God

 Day 1, again, due to more RC and BS yesterday. Today is the day the new JBP book comes out. Yesterday I again listened to the RealAF pods about 75Hard. The meal plan part, the only one I struggle with, seems like it's glossed over. With the other rules, there's an Answer. One Photo. Ten Pages. Two workouts, 45 mins. One Gallon. 

For the meal plan, and let me settle in to write up my excuses here, it's not so clear-cut. I told myself I'm following BLE. Those rules are:

1. No sugar
2. No flour
3. Three meals with no snacking, as in a schedule
4. Controlling portion size, as per the meal list, meaning to weigh the foods

Well #1 and #2 are pretty stellar. #2 is a zero intake. #1 is the occasional dried mango, coconut milk, I think that's it. 

#3. When I'm at work, M1 and M2 go ok because I'm not near Moria. Weekends, forget it, I'm in the depths. M1 sometimes I eat half before I leave then half at work, so the meal is split. (Need to mention though that I've worked on the habit of not adding to M1 successfully. Weekdays, I mean). 

#4 reads just like #3. It depends on where I am. 

M3 is the mess. I've successfully changed to come home through the front door, take dog to mail box, go to closet to change and wash up. Then the habit chain breaks because I go to Moria to feed the dog. Last night I stood at the counter eating turkey with my fingers. Then a few bites of cottage cheese. Then half an apple "for the walk", then another slice of apple, then the rest because I couldn't wait. Walk, then broccoli and tomato sauce, grapes, grapes, dates, more full. 

M3 is also harder because sometimes LA is home early and we eat. Sometimes he's home late and I've already eaten. I don't know if I can set a time like "8pm" but I can set the rules of the time. 

So before I go home tonight and face another restart, here are my 75Hard Meal Plan Rules!

1. Minimize the split of M1 because it just leaves you hungrier. Wait until work, you'll live. 
2. Have an apple when you get home and that's it. Transition this to nothing as the habit grows. 
3. Do chores - feed the dog and then 3 mins stained glass and 2 mins meditation while the dog eats. 
4. From here - figure out when dinner will be before coming downstairs, consulting LA and stopping to think about it. Walk if you can, otherwise wait to walk after for an earlier dinner.
5. Get out the plates, bowls, utensils, etc along with your food list. Build the plates, all of them. 
6. Take a photo of the plates. 
7. Put the phone away, or set to video, no hunched interaction.
8. Sit the fuck down and eat. No c-tops. Slow down, and have a MEAL.
9. Get up and LEAVE. Brush your teeth! Then do dishes.

There, that's 8 rules for M3. I like 8! But this is still not clear-cut and simple. Pick the major points.