Last week in St Louis: bad thoughts, TG TH EC, BE, Backus, hair, AIP, bootlessness

Sunday July 11th 

I'd heard from SO that New Town Tri was this weekend, he was racing. I began to wonder who else was racing and volunteering, and was also surprised that I'd entirely forgotten that NTT was even a thing. After years and hours of training there, volunteering, driving out that far to spend a long Saturday - I'd forgotten about it?! I haven't volunteered since...2014? Visited since...2017? So no wonder I'd forget. 

So that morning was a mix of sads. I was missing my SBR, seeing other runners and bikers all the time along the streets, I was leaving LA for a week in STL. It was raining and gloomy. I was distractedly unhappy, and it came out in tears right before I left. 

My injury has invaded my dreams - in my dreams I'm lame and limp. I still have flashbacks to a trail or path or road - but I'm not moving on it like before. I'm just there. It's mentally terrible. 

So no I haven't lost a limb. My foot is still there and I can walk and I have potential for recovery. It just seems so far away, and I sometimes have a hard time even imagining running again. It just seems so far away.

I'm signed up for my deferred-deferred-deferred Hennepin 100. That's way out of reach, I know that. A 100 miler will take seasons to build back up to. But making zero progress on that doesn't help me mentally either. 

After a few tears about the part of my life that is missing (I don't think LA really understands this),  I left to drive to Illinois, carefully in the new car with my injured foot. I was tired and spaced out and had to stop for an hour in Indiana.

Then more sadness as I cleaned out my truck and sat in it for probably the last time. I found my missing bike commuters shoes I didn't know I was missing, a few bundles of safety pins from races, a vial of alcohol for post swims, a few of those nuts from new bike tubes, and overall just a mess. We were in a hurry those last days in May, but this was a mess beyond just those last days. This was depressing, and a sign of my depression. That I could live with such a mess, ..., no wonder I was so unhappy. 

Monday July 12
Up to clear the trailer for LA, visit a bit more with the family, then drive to STL. As I approached the city, I didn't feel excitement, just anxiety. A quick hour a work, the I met up with TH, TG, and EC!! Sadly I had to use the map function to remember where CCP is!? It's been how long since I've been there? I forgot?! We had a three hour visit, and I felt so out of sync and yet so comfortable with them. 

They are all great - racing and running and moving. EC says she is more of a hiker and dog walker, TG is doing gravel tris, and TH is qualified for Worlds?! They mentioned names, races, places - more that I'd forgotten about - and I was enthralled and excited and thinking I'd love to join FB just to see the strength training sessions, meet ups, news, photos, and etc of my new home in A2 and here in STL. Just to be in the "know" and the "share" and the activity. That part of my life that's missing!

I'm missing that feeling of purpose and connection (to me and to others) that I derived from triathlon. I woke up in the morning and I had a goal that was for me and no one else. I did things for ME and no one else. I had 1-? hours a day that were MINE. My plans, my execution, my reward. And I'm missing that now. 

It's more than just the ability to SBR and move and walk the dog. It's being able to do this one thing for me. 

I was able to talk about this a bit to the group, they understand, they were encouraging. 

Back later to the AirBnB, this one south of BJC. Not as nice, but it will work. 

---> Not sure where to put this or how to mark it, but for the 3rd and 4th time now (5 and 6 if you count the mouth swelling) some part of me randomly swelled up. First was in my mouth in the hotel with the kids June 15 or so, but not itchy. Same or next day, my left foot swelled up at the heel - super itchy, skin swollen, can't walk, lasted a few hours. Then while sister was here, July 7th or so, the left side of my face swelled up (but not itchy). Then last... Saturday July 10? my left foot at the ball of my foot burned and swelled a bit. Then yesterday July 12 on the drive my right foot heel burned and swelled up. Then last night my left hand palm swelled up, that spread into my right ulnar area. I took benedryl's for this, but I'm not sure if that helped at all. 

Tuesday July 13
Last night when BE texted to offer a 6 or 7 am meetup, I naturally chose the 6am -- that's when we're supposed to run!! I had trouble falling asleep last night, odd location, cold bed, walking boot, itch on my arm, some mild smell in the bedding, and most of all no LA. Three more nights like this. 

BE and I met at the Starbuck's on Grand and talked almost 2 hours. He's racing and did New Town, has races coming up. I miss talking to him!! We had great conversations on our Monday bike, Tuesday run, and Thursday run. EW is out of town, so I don't get to see her.

Then off to work, after a bouncy breakfast and some Downton Abbey clips. Good show, now I want to watch more of it. 

Great day at work, even though my PCRs need to be repeated. 

Wednesday July 14 = (1-2-3)*7!
Better sleep last night, and more rested. I want to walk, but the neighborhood and the boot and the sorta-late schedule and New Hire Drug Test means nope. Back to work, a disrupted day with a child counselor call in the middle. Before I could get the PCRs set up, I had to leave for followup with Dr Backus.

Great appointment - the joint is too stiff! I need to be touching and moving and massaging and I'm not. I've been afraid to touch it - as if it were fragile - and in doing so it's still stiff and swollen. Heck, I didn't even scrub it enough to remove the post surgical strip adhesive! I thought it was dry skin, I though it was fragile, and the nerve healing burn I felt made me anxious. So MOVE it. 

Therapy 3x a week instead of 2x a week, as a way for the therapist to regulate/limit my activity. Get walking, and use the 2 week boot weaning protocol. Use pain as a guide for whether it's a recovery pain or an injury pain. NO RUNNING, but I told him about the Hennepin 100 and that I knew it's out of reach. He said he knew a guy who did all four Leadville races 50 and 100, bike and run, and ooooohhhhh I love it. 

He said he usually has to encourage his patients to do more, but for me I have to do less. Normal for me is not the normal the protocols are talking about. Normal means what "fat people like me" would do and I don't think he was fat, but I get the idea. He wants me walking normally soon, not the 1-2 months from now that I feared. Days 1-3: 1 hour out of the boot each in am and pm. Then 2 hrs, then 3, then 4, then FREE. 

Thursday July 15 short hair again!
Another full day at work, with a break to get my hair cut short again. The model was the October 2018 pictures in BPW. It feels more professional and adult. I was playing with it too much, twirling and barretting and pushing it back. Better to just have it clean. But now it looks so dark!

LA arrived last night and I had my boot off for most of the evening. Even if I was sitting for most of it, I was still unbooted. Oh - and Weds night and Thurs night -- slept without it! But I did too much I think.

Friday July 16 - eggs and AIP, and last day at work
Yup, I did too much yesterday and woke up with a stiff and sore foot. Not injury pain, just tight and swollen. Speaking of which - both ankles were VERY swollen yesterday - and I need to figure that out. I've been sitting more. I ate ham with salt. And I ate lots of zucchini. Those are 3 changes I've made this week. I already reduced added salt, and maybe only the ham salt could be counted as "extra" salt. Overnight I woke up to 3 big pees and much less swelling. Brekkie had only the bacon salt, nothing added, and no zucchini. 

But I did have eggs! I told myself back in May that I would AIP until this day. And eggs are the only food I miss. I don't miss the coconut flour, nuts, almond flour, cassava, bad oils, coffee and caffeine. Mayhaps tomatoes and peppers could sneak back in, but I don't miss them much either. 

Did AIP make a difference? My face feels so much better, but I gotta account for the lack of stress for moving to A2 and having the surgery over. The mild twitch is still sometimes there, it's not gone. So AIP or stress? Dunno. But I'm glad I did it. 

It was a hard day at work - my last day physically there. LA was taking his annual exam at the AirBnB, and I was dreading the end of this time. In the last hour, TM came by and we had a great talk - from his goals and the last 6 years in StL, his upcoming goals, what he's happy with, onto gravlox recipe, a critical thinking class he's teaching, and just wonderful. Then a tearful hug with AH, and I'm out. 

It's raining, LA is done with his exam, we pack the AirBnB, get the truck/trailer from parking near the previous AirBnB, then out of StL. Finally, everything I own in St Louis is out of St Louis.

We drive to St Robert in the hopes of getting the kids, but it didn't happen. So back to St Louis. But at least it's temporary. 

Saturday July 18th - Hermann, nap, St Robert again
Up to getting out of the AirBnB again, I never did get to walk with RM and his ailing dog Daisy, but off to Hermann to spend the day. On the way to St Robert, the combination of late nights + BBQ/saurkraut/stress + sitting to travel caught up to my gut and it ballooned out. LA found a Katy Park stop near Portland and we cleared the back seat of the car out for a sunroof-nap-rest. A few hours later, back to St Robert for a few nights at the hotel. Note too that the ankle swelling of the past few days started to improve. Salt? Sitting? Zucchini? 

Sunday July 19th - in St Robert
I haven't been mentioning this, but I'm out of my boot more and more. Most of the time, I'm not walking but sitting or resting. I'm sleeping sans boot now, and it's OK. When it comes to walking a distance, I boot up. I'm massaging and touching - still uncomfortable but I'm getting it. The stretching is hard to do between the fear of damaging it and the discomfort - but again I'm getting it. I've been in a compression sock (just one sock, haha, a black San Diego tri club one) and that feels good. It also hides the fact that I haven't shaved in 1-2 weeks, haha. My leg is so withered, the left leg feels it too. 

Today my ankle swelling is gone. I sat a lot yesterday, and ate the piece of bacon, and BBQ but no added salt. Whatever, dammit that bothers me. 

Back to the ankle - it's improving. It has a "click" every now and then. It catches on the carpet now and then and I mentally prepare for the worst yet not much happens. Keep stretching, keep going, keep working!!

ETA The next two weeks we were on vacation to Floriday. I slowly weaned out of the boot. Some ups and downs with it - days where I did too much and regressed back to the book. But I did the two weeks even if not exactly like the protocol said.

I did OK traveling, lots of stomach upset and etc, from sitting in the car and possible exposures. But it was still my best trip maybe ever for traveling, I stayed to AIP and goals (except eggs, I needed to eat something) and worked through the issues. At least up until the end of the trip, by then my gut was in rebellion and I came home on the Friday July 30 with a stopped up - yet diarrhetic - gut. Days later it's still off balance and I can't seem to eat much vegetables at all. But I did it!! I a long trip! 

And now I'm moved to Michigan. 

Hennepin Rollover

 I've finally confirmed that I'm rolled over into 2022 for H100. For the past 10 or so days since I replied to request a rollover, I've been wondering about it. I'm stupid hesitant to "bother" people with questions like this, so getting the gumption to email the RD Michele about it was my only cause for delay.

My first ask didn't answer the question, so I had to "bother" her again. ugh. 

Speaking of hesitancy, right when I think I'll go get vaccinated, yesterday a warning for GBS is placed on the JnJ vaccine I wanted to get. Ugh. 

Walking more, this boot sucks

Independence from M at 40

My steps count is depressing! I'm slowing building it up. Next week my sis and siblings visit, maybe we'll get more walks in. 

One Year Later

 

Tuesday July 6^th - ???? One year later

In the meantime… I didn’t get to finish my sentence. I don’t know for sure where I was going. So let’s start at a new trailhead.

I’m at the house with K&J while LA and sis go for a run. They get to explore the neighborhood. Get to sweat. Get to feel the motion and wind and freedom.

I get to feel a chair. I get to feel my muscles start to melt away. Sense the imbalances in strength and perception. See the changes in my body as the time goes by.

I get to make comparisons, and lately that’s what I’m doing. I’m seeing runners and bikers and swimmers and gosh even walkers and putterers and they get to do all that and I don’t. And I compare, my mind just goes to that track and I wonder – how does that pavement feel, what is the incline on that hill, the mix of temperature under a calico-pattern of tree-filtered sun and shade. Muscles and flexion under tanned skin, wind and sun through hair, and sweat and heat between skin and clothes. They get to, I don’t.

Last night or the night before I took a peek at the Brostrom recovery protocol. I’d avoided looking so that I focused on the future, but on the present. So I didn’t think about the PT needed at 12 weeks, didn’t think about the limitations and goals ahead of me. Focus on today’s feeling and progress.

Well, today is 41 days out of surgery. 7 weeks. Still in a boot, no more need for crutches. Very little pain with normal movement. There’s an occasional pop that hurts a bit. There are some plantar pains as things are so tight. Flexibility is worryingly low – it barely moves but I try and work it every day. The bruising is 95% gone but there’s still some scabs where stitches were pulled out. The swelling and blocky-ness of the foot is not changing. It looks like a shapeless cheap drawing of a foot. I can walk barefooted if slow, even ground, without bending the joint. I can’t do squats, pushups on my toes, calf raises, or much else requiring even a bit of ankle joint. Further, my left legs if failing on stairs. My knee gets week and out of alignment.

So according to the reading I did, I won’t be back to any sort of normal for 3 months, or back to fully functional in 6 months, and have a long road of air casts and PT ahead of me.

But focus on NOW.

NOW LA and my sis are back. Happy and sweaty. And here I sit. Typing. Thinking about running. Making plans.

Trying to avoid the dismaying realization that if in January I really can start running, I have only until October for my again-again-deferred Hennepin that’s an impossible ramp-up, without facing more injury. I’ve been out of training at all levels since April 9^th. Three months, later, I’m atrophied.

My 2020 blog book arrived today, I waited and waited for a coupon to offset the price. Finally!! As usual I skimmed through to see What I Did One Year Ago Today: “My 6 months test is over, I’m not better”. Off the top of my head, I can’t remember that test it was. I remember 2020 as a year of test after test.

I noted that in January I had a failing of mental and physical health. Poor sleep, anxiety, bad medical appointments. I committed to sleep, nutrition, and rest. Thanks to COVID, I got it. But as I noted, I still didn’t feel good. Fatigue, mood swings, weak and sluggish, aches and swelling, clumsy and uncoordinated, weight gain, insomnia, constipation, spasms and tics, slow and confusing speech.

I emailed doctors and got no good answers. Ooh maybe it’s hormones. Menopause? Nope. Ooh maybe it’s your thyroid, nope. Ooh maybe it’s your cortisol, nope. Ugh. I gave up again. Went home, so to speak, from my virtual appointments. I went back to running a little. LA got promoted and moved to Michigan. And I committed to more changes, still trying.

One year later, I’m still trying. But in that year: LA moved away, LA moved back and forth and again, I turned in news of my upcoming move to work, I experienced right leg hammie/knee/calf problems (maybe connected to the ankle injury?) and paused running, I went to Alaska, I tried to kill M and Azuc on the new year (again), failed, again, saw a neurologist, failed, sold a house, saw a neurologist, moved to Soulard and Michigan, had ankle surgery, moved to Michigan. And here I am.

Comparing. Longing. Wishing. But winning: 2 days ago – no M, no Azuc.

Yet some things are changing, and I keep saying “oh I’m gonna change, tonight, now, then a new day and more of the same. That more of the same is still a huge improvement, don’t get me wrong. No M.

No M.

Yet I still want more changes, and I want to get started NOW but this whole walking boot post surgery 6 month recovery time is just a killer. I have the pull-up bar installed. I have in mind a workout pain cave for the basement. I thought today back to plans about getting a treadmill. I could bike, walk, lift – improve, progress, and change.

Enough of that today. Details tomorrow. Now, back to family.

Almost a month out of surgery

We’re still with the kids here in Michigan, it’s a great distraction from my ankle recovery, the habit changes, the stress of having a messy house, and the fact that I can’t walk or drive or run or nothing.

On that, I’ve been doing nothing. My Garmin celebrates my 2000-some steps a day. I’m supposed to be using crutches still, I think by now 70-80% of body weight with one crutch. I’m not really doing that. If I go outside (seldom) I use the crutches. If I’m in the house, I only use them 25% of the time. Aurora keeps reminding me, and I do mean to set a good example for Slava by using them. It aches and hurts, is that good or bad or OK or worrisome? I dunno. It’s never enough that I want pain killers. But sometimes I get a burning feeling across the top of my foot, not where the repairs were made. And I wonder what it means, if it means anything. Am I delaying my recovery?

My right calf is rapidly losing muscle and looks weak. My foot is still swollen (only in the last day or two has the puffy swelling gone down) and bruised. It barely moves, it’s stiff and painful to move. I can put weight on it carefully, but I can’t put any motion into it. This is worrisome to me, I wonder how long it will take to recover full ROM and strength. But I have almost another whole month before the walking boot comes off. I will continue to lose muscle? The light movements the surgeon has me doing is making ZERO progress in improving ROM and certainly won’t build strength. Maybe this is why he told me, that I wouldn’t be running for another few months, and that I had a LOT of physical therapy to do. Ugh.

In the meantime,

New Moon with solar eclipse, two weeks post surgery, keto

 

Lots to cover here, it’s been awhile since I’ve updated. Since the surgery, we spent most of the time in Soulard with kids here on the weekends. This past Sunday after dropping off the kids we drove to Michigan, and today we drive back. I check out of the Soulard place by 11am tomorrow, hope to get to work a little while to check in, then a follow-up with the surgeon and hopefully no more crutches, then finally drive to St James to stay at the camper a few days (instead of a hotel).

Lev was supposed to have military duty this weekend, but now something changed and he doesn’t, hence the stay at the camper and not FLW.

How is recovery? Frustrating, back and forth, but working. The major pains I felt in the first week are gone, I no longer stand up to what feels like a rush of blood trying to blow up my foot. The pains now (that kept me up last night until 1am or so) is a super sharp cutting/burning feeling over the lateral ankle bone. I’ll find out tomorrow if there’s an incision site there. The pain burns up into my calf, it comes and goes at random, and kept waking me up. It was enough to turn my stomach, cause anxiety and worry, and stress me out. I got near tears when I couldn’t sleep for hours. Finally after LA came to bed and I took two Benadryl I fell asleep.

I can see purpling on the top of my foot that spread into a few toes, and the top of my foot feels swollen and painful to touch. My toes work fine, they are tight but it doesn’t hurt much to move. My right knee is now a poppying/crackling mess, either from the scooter use and/or kneeling to crawl sometimes. When I bend it, it makes a mildly painful rolling cracking feeling and noise. Ugh, this causes more anxiety, what if it doesn’t go away? Last night, I wondered if it would crack when I ran?

Running and biking seems like another life right now, but everyday it gets closer to me.

I’ve managed to stay as active as possible with crutches and a scooter. I terribly miss just going for a walk, I’ve only seen my new neighborhood 2-3 houses on each side with the scooter. No strength training, my planks are non-existent so I get to work back up to 2 minutes. Happily I don’t seem to have gained “recovery weight” sitting around so much.

With the lack of stress – no moving, no house to sell, no upcoming surgery – my mind is much clearer. I had started a few blog posts over the past two weeks with no motivation to continue. Or much computer access, since I’m not at work. (I think about buying a chromebook like the kids have, since Mom’s laptop seems at death’s door with the battery and lack of updateability for the browsers). (wow, updateability is a word, no angry red squiggle?). Since about March my anxiety and stress were high, with thing after thing after thing piling up on me. Now….calmer, but still out of sorts being on crutches and being out of habits everywhere.

LA yesterday asked about keto diet, and he’s trying it. I miss that!! It felt so great on my gut, so maybe I’ll get back to it too. Or at least low carb to minimize the gut pains. I’m eating apples now!!! First since 2014! Some gut upset with them still, but not terrible. In the spirit of keto, this morning I cooked a few pounds of pork and beef steaks. I looked over my notes from Dec 2017 when I went whole-hog keto with only 4-12 g carbs a day. Eggs, cheese, butter, cream cheese. Ugh, can’t do that anymore! True keto would be a challenge for me, not sure I need that challenge right now.

The new moon was this morning at 5:54 am, and there was a solar eclipse but not visible where we are. We were so close maybe could see a little bit, but I didn’t look either since I don’t read the news, I only learned about it afterwards.

I always start new habits on the moon, last full moon was pre-surgery and I stopped M. Still stopped!! But still the urge, but now I recognize it and walk away. Almond flour had to be thrown away, and then coconut flour. I have a bag of stevia powder that needs to go as well. And a few sticks of fake butter. I’m still doing the AIP with the only mistake being the almond flour (the first bite I expected coconut flour, but the mistake/sin came from going back to the bag after knowing what it was). I’m feeling great, much less stomach issue, but too soon to tell about nerve issues? My face still twitches and jump like before. Well, as for new habits, I’d like to sit down to real food, template, plated meals. No standing, snacking, and “little bowl bounces”. That will help my gut too – prevent too full feeling, chew the food, and put gaps between the meals. M1 today was great, M2 was standing/nomming/not hungry.

Yesterday I randomed across the BJC ER notes about my visit two weeks ago. It was a long report, worth reading again, and included multiple doctor notes. I caused some mental worry – I keep seeing how I’m “an elite athlete” and “athletic” and etc and yet I’m this injured thing instead. The juxtaposition of Athlete with Potential Demyelination Disorder stuck in my head. It’s the same mental anxiety I get when you see a diagnosis of ??Idiopathic?? in your notes and the worry and the wonder set in. That’s also what kept me up last night, what makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong, or like it’s all in my head and not real. At least I can talk to LA about this, even if he doesn’t understand it.