One Year Later

 

Tuesday July 6^th - ???? One year later

In the meantime… I didn’t get to finish my sentence. I don’t know for sure where I was going. So let’s start at a new trailhead.

I’m at the house with K&J while LA and sis go for a run. They get to explore the neighborhood. Get to sweat. Get to feel the motion and wind and freedom.

I get to feel a chair. I get to feel my muscles start to melt away. Sense the imbalances in strength and perception. See the changes in my body as the time goes by.

I get to make comparisons, and lately that’s what I’m doing. I’m seeing runners and bikers and swimmers and gosh even walkers and putterers and they get to do all that and I don’t. And I compare, my mind just goes to that track and I wonder – how does that pavement feel, what is the incline on that hill, the mix of temperature under a calico-pattern of tree-filtered sun and shade. Muscles and flexion under tanned skin, wind and sun through hair, and sweat and heat between skin and clothes. They get to, I don’t.

Last night or the night before I took a peek at the Brostrom recovery protocol. I’d avoided looking so that I focused on the future, but on the present. So I didn’t think about the PT needed at 12 weeks, didn’t think about the limitations and goals ahead of me. Focus on today’s feeling and progress.

Well, today is 41 days out of surgery. 7 weeks. Still in a boot, no more need for crutches. Very little pain with normal movement. There’s an occasional pop that hurts a bit. There are some plantar pains as things are so tight. Flexibility is worryingly low – it barely moves but I try and work it every day. The bruising is 95% gone but there’s still some scabs where stitches were pulled out. The swelling and blocky-ness of the foot is not changing. It looks like a shapeless cheap drawing of a foot. I can walk barefooted if slow, even ground, without bending the joint. I can’t do squats, pushups on my toes, calf raises, or much else requiring even a bit of ankle joint. Further, my left legs if failing on stairs. My knee gets week and out of alignment.

So according to the reading I did, I won’t be back to any sort of normal for 3 months, or back to fully functional in 6 months, and have a long road of air casts and PT ahead of me.

But focus on NOW.

NOW LA and my sis are back. Happy and sweaty. And here I sit. Typing. Thinking about running. Making plans.

Trying to avoid the dismaying realization that if in January I really can start running, I have only until October for my again-again-deferred Hennepin that’s an impossible ramp-up, without facing more injury. I’ve been out of training at all levels since April 9^th. Three months, later, I’m atrophied.

My 2020 blog book arrived today, I waited and waited for a coupon to offset the price. Finally!! As usual I skimmed through to see What I Did One Year Ago Today: “My 6 months test is over, I’m not better”. Off the top of my head, I can’t remember that test it was. I remember 2020 as a year of test after test.

I noted that in January I had a failing of mental and physical health. Poor sleep, anxiety, bad medical appointments. I committed to sleep, nutrition, and rest. Thanks to COVID, I got it. But as I noted, I still didn’t feel good. Fatigue, mood swings, weak and sluggish, aches and swelling, clumsy and uncoordinated, weight gain, insomnia, constipation, spasms and tics, slow and confusing speech.

I emailed doctors and got no good answers. Ooh maybe it’s hormones. Menopause? Nope. Ooh maybe it’s your thyroid, nope. Ooh maybe it’s your cortisol, nope. Ugh. I gave up again. Went home, so to speak, from my virtual appointments. I went back to running a little. LA got promoted and moved to Michigan. And I committed to more changes, still trying.

One year later, I’m still trying. But in that year: LA moved away, LA moved back and forth and again, I turned in news of my upcoming move to work, I experienced right leg hammie/knee/calf problems (maybe connected to the ankle injury?) and paused running, I went to Alaska, I tried to kill M and Azuc on the new year (again), failed, again, saw a neurologist, failed, sold a house, saw a neurologist, moved to Soulard and Michigan, had ankle surgery, moved to Michigan. And here I am.

Comparing. Longing. Wishing. But winning: 2 days ago – no M, no Azuc.

Yet some things are changing, and I keep saying “oh I’m gonna change, tonight, now, then a new day and more of the same. That more of the same is still a huge improvement, don’t get me wrong. No M.

No M.

Yet I still want more changes, and I want to get started NOW but this whole walking boot post surgery 6 month recovery time is just a killer. I have the pull-up bar installed. I have in mind a workout pain cave for the basement. I thought today back to plans about getting a treadmill. I could bike, walk, lift – improve, progress, and change.

Enough of that today. Details tomorrow. Now, back to family.