North To Alaska!

 Monday, super early flight to Anchorage through Denver. I was drunk on Dramamine (I'm noting the 'drama' in that name, and the outcome of taking it -- dramatic dizziness and uselessness for me) for all of it, when we landed in both stops I was out of it. But awake enough to note the "commercial sex trafficking, house work, and farm work" trafficking sign in a restroom, which led to a week's worth of jokes. First night in Anchorage. 

Tuesday, He has a exam and a driver's license update. I wait in the hotel and for the first time realize that it's Dark at 8:45am, and I won't see sun until well after 9:30am!! Ugh! He returns, and we make a visit to Mounty Baldy for a partial climb up. We get half mile up, I'm wearing my just-purchased winter boots, he's wearing his heavy camera bag. That afternoon, we drive the 4 or so hours to Homer for a late arrival and a stop at his favorite pizza place.

Wednesday, Walked the beach, pictures of eagles, I collected a few momento rocks (pretty gray with distinct white stripes), walk along the boardwalk, visited a few places, he got eggs benedict at a Duncan Diner, stop at a winery and he tasted wines. What else did we do....? Continued his daily letter writing to the kids :)

Thursday, Thanksgiving! We get up early to catch the sunrise behind a peak we admire from our balcony windows. He identifies a place up on the hill over the water and gets his shots (great ones, I have one as my lock screen!), then we walk along a beach, then back to the hotel. Dinner is later in the day, turns out it was stupid expensive and not worth it for me. $35 for some dry turkey, it was all I can eat. That's a separate paragraph topic for below. I feel awful about the waste of money. 

Friday, we leave Homer, but it's SNOWING. Gorgeous, even-layered, coating sticky snow, but hard to drive in and slowed us down. The rental Jeep Compass wasn't outfitted for this weather, but LA did great with it. We missed our planned stop in Seward for the snow, as he had to be in Anchorage Saturday morning. Overnight in Alyeska Resort, where we did a 4 mile walk in fresh but perfect snow to mail letters. 

Saturday, first day of the concealed carry class, I just sit there. I do oxalate reading, puzzles, duolingo, but in the end I just sit there. And sitting is one of the most painful things on the sit bones. But I keep quiet on it, and get through it. We find Ronnie's 2 for sushi at lunch, and go there again at dinner. Off to Wasilla overnight. I got to see his old house and neighborhood! Stopped at Michael's to buy letter stickers, walked his neighborhood loop twice, and enjoyed a near full moon in the perfect silence. Overnight in Wasilla. 

Sunday, second day of the class, again I get to sit. 7 hours total in the car with only a few stretches and now more pain. But again, I'm OK and just hang in there. Don't wanna complain. The pain is better though! This rest is doing something for it. Overnight in Anchorage at our best hotel yet - a suites hotel with real plates and glasses and silverware. A long walk in snow to hit 10, 000 steps too.

Monday, our last day! We did the full climb of Baldy today, 1100 ft elevation gain in just over a mile. I had moments where my heart was pounding crazy in my ears, brief moments of fear about it, but then denial kicked back in and I realize that I hear it pounding because it's so damned quiet and peaceful. The climb was tough, but never hurt the leg and hip, to my complete surprise. The top was worth the effort, and I got to slide down part of it, yay! Check out of hotel, drop off concealed carry papers, visit the bank, More sushi at Ronnies 2, the next day Anchorage shuts down dine-in, so we got lucky. Then nothing to do, until the flight out at 11:40pm. Hung around airport, wrote letters, paced to 10,000 steps, then board. We flew to Denver overnight, terribly uncomfortable for my back and hip, but Dramamine to the rescue. Delays in Denver, the home to StL around 1-2pm. Get the dog, get some Russian groceries, and home to rest. Whew!

Alaska was beautiful! I love it, I'd go back for the quiet. It's not as cold as you think it would be, but it's still cold. I guess expect the worst and be either right or pleasantly surprised. The sun up/down schedule of 10 am to 3 pm is killer, even if the summers are over-abundant in sunshine. 

This was my first flight and major travel since I went to California in 2014 to see Bill and Jeff. We drove to NC for B2B in 2014, again to NC area in 2019, so the idea of traveling to Alaska had me on edge for a few weeks. The usual questions and concerns for me -- I don't have travel experience, so how to I get to the airport, buy tickets, where do I go, how this and how that. But LA took care of most all of that, I was able to just relax and learn as we go. So a Success!!

Also -- my concern about what to eat, because that's a Huge limiter for me! More on that in the Oxalates post. See next. 

Running is on hold for now

I am hoping these numbers don't change much, in that my resting HR, sleep, stress, and etc stay at a good level. When I quit running, I expect I'll turn to goo in a week. While this should give me plenty of extra time to do PT, strength, and flexibility -- we'll see! But that's a good idea for when I re-write the training schedule for December: Change the run times to pre-hab times.

Off to Alaska next! And a full week off with just rest. And sadly a lot of sitting, but make the best of it. 

Now go charge your phone. 

Implementations & Intentions

BIKE 19.8 miles (ugh) in 1:20: 18:12, 18:04; 17:14!
COMMUTE 9.2 miles

I coulda SWORE the garmin said 20.42 miles when I stopped it. This is likely our last ride of the year and we pushed the last interval. I said I was going to measure only for fun, and to see that we come back next spring with similar interval times. 

Nice and warm outside, but cold and rain move in tonight. I don't get to run tomorrow. I can't put into words how this feels. On one hand, it was hurting to run and it was stressy to hurt and always be wondering what was wrong. On the other hand, I loved it and miss it and crave it. 

As a follow up to yesterday's lengthy post - here's some notes and news. Last night I fell into Azuc again, almost purposefully? But not a single bit of M. Win and Lose. The Azuc was to be my "treat" if I hit goals for M3. Hit the goals, and homed in on the treat so fast. So that tells me, the treat should be delayed or accumulated to another day. Ugh. Fail again. Feels miserable. It wasn't too much, it was How. 

I worked out some habit bundles or whatever they're called:

If I walk first, I get to play my favorite puzzle while tea brews before M3.
I get to watch YT videos while doing PT, foam rolling, etc.
For every chore, I get to check a reddit or news site. 
If I can get 5 "ideal M3" in a week, I get some weekend treat.
     I might change this to just accumulate 5 to get started
If I can get 5 less then 14-er days, I get some weekend treat.

These treats are as of yet undefined. Last night I found Azu doesn't work. 

Stupid way to do this. But let's see.

Today LA asked about going to sushi, and I waited a few minutes to reply. I weighed the options. Today, by the time I get home, walk dog, shower off the mice smell, get my dinner, drive 30 mins to St Chuck...it's late for me. Tomorrow, we can plan ahead. So tomorrow! Hey, maybe nailing the next 24 hours can include a treat there?

Hugs, Ginger, and Perspective -- 1 year later

COMMUTE 9.2 miles. 
Maybe a swim. Don't have a lane yet. 

I'm alone at work today, terribly distracted, and unmotivated. My coworker went out to enjoy the weather, and LA is with his kids. So I get my quiet. Well, truth be told, I'm motivated by just about anything else besides reading this paper on AAV vectors and HSV latency. It's not the topic I'm not motivated by, I'm just not motivated.

My head is swirling full of lost thoughts. Let's try to dump some here, and see what happens.  

Last night I had goals of waiting for my 4 hr meal interval alarm by walking the dog and doing a 'power hour' of chores, in order to catch up. I failed, I walked in the door not-hungry and proceeded to have a standing meal at the stove. I didn't eat too much, I didn't eat bad food, but I didn't follow my goal of having a waited-for, relaxed meal. I did my chores, I did walk the dog, but yet I still ended up feeling stressed out (over...??) and finding the Azuc. It wasn't too much (well, anything over zero is really too much, right?) and it wasn't M, but it was another goal broken. To my credit, I did get 10 minutes each of foam rolling, upper strength, PT, and dog time in before going to bed. Late to bed, distracted and unmotivated. 

I wake up this morning unable to run, and decided to have another hour of catching up on the house chores (my goal is to have the chores for next week done before going to Alaska). I broke my goal of nothing-until-after-tea by breaking the goal of wait-on-the-persimmon. But I did sit down to eat and relax (happy tummy). Dog walk slow with Duolingo, but dog wasn't happy about it, so that made me a bit guilty - I could have left her at home while I walk. But then I come home and break my goal of not having a second breakfast (makes an unhappy stomach) with Blerch at the ctop. I hit the goal of biking to work. Once at work, I break the goal of being productive. But I keep the goal of Move! when the watch says to. Break the goal of waiting my 4hrs. Reset the 4hrs. And here I am now. 

I put these goals in as a way to keep my on track. On time so I don't roll into work late. On goal so I don't upset my stomach by being random, off-template, hurried, or overfilled. 

I win some, lose some. But I lose too many. 

Some real wins have happened in the past year -- B is gone - 539 days. M is at 35 days with a few days of oh-so-close almost-fails (or maybe I did fail and I deny it). Many of the foods that directly conflict with my stomach and goals no longer appeal to me - like coffee creamer (they had butterscotch flavor!), coffee, sweet chocolate, candies. In the past few months, I've realized that dairy bothers me, not the lactose it seems either. So I've quit dairy. Again. I nibbled some while at home over Halloween and my breasts swelled up and hurt -- the dairy? I dunno, but I gotta avoid dairy at least until they swell and hurt in the absence of it, to finish the test. Now lately since I stopped running, I've gone back to the SCD goals of no potatoes, no kabocha squash, no grains or rice, until my stomach quits hurting so much. Besides, less running means less energy, means less carbs. 

So for this mark the box for WIN. I quit B. I'm quitting M. I quit foods bad for me, up and down the list of bad-SCD and bad-FODMAP.

But I keep losing too. I still get anxiety with a schedule disruption. I'm anxious if I eat a food that I think will react badly with me, or if I eat too much and fear the burp-up bloating feeling I hate. I'm stressed that I can't run, because I'm injured Again (there's a cause for depression right there). I don't like that my body feels week and out of shape. 

I'm reading through Dave Goggins book (the Navy SEAL ultrarunner) and now that is a voice added into my head. It tells me the same things as some of the others  - to HTFU, to stop the victim mentality, to take personal responsibility. Jordan B Peterson, Jocko, Tom ProYou, all other voices of similar sound. 

But Goggins started off with Mission #1 (as he calls it) and I'm hung up there. To paraphrase:  Make a list of what is challenging you. What problems and limitations do you encounter? What excuses are you making? What is your bad hand?

Well this gets my thinking. I don't have a bad hand, so to speak. I grew up in a perfect house in a perfect world with all the love and support and opportunities. I still have all that. I don't really have problems, in that I have a house and a car and a dog and a 'husband' and a job and great friends and for the most part I have my health. No abuse. No discrimination. No tragedies. No real hardships. 

So that left me realizing that my limiter is ME. I'm limiting myself. And when I think this through, really think it through like Goggins says to, it hurts a little. And it uncovered a few things.

I think back over the ... 23? years of M. That's a guess, I think 1995 or 96? 24 years? with M. That mental monster who comes and goes. Half my life. And I can think back to the first times I met M and all the times I can think of since (long list) and just how many times M exposed himself to those around me. Right fucking there, right in front sometimes, mortifyingly close. Yet never once was he discovered. Or was he? And I think, how is it no one noticed this stress I was under? How is it, no one said anything? How did we get away with it? We couldn't have. Just couldn't. Impossible. 

So I wonder, did someone know and not say anything to help me? Dear God, someone had to have seen it. And yet not a word. And my Victim Card pops up -- they noticed, but didn't care enough to say. Or, they didn't care enough to notice. 

OMFG. My mind went there. And put this on other people. It was a brief moment only that lasted a few short minutes. But it still hurt to think. 

After that realization, I homed in one me. And asked -- what are my excuses? And the progress ends there. I'm stuck a bit. But I did finish Mission #1, I wrote down my limiters and here they are: I give up on my goals. I tell myself to start/stop and then I don't. I don't listen to my good voices. I think tomorrow will be different. I think the moon has magic. I don't tell myself "no", or I do and don't listen. I DON'T HOLD MYSELF ACCOUNTABLE. 

Last night was a great example of this, and I wrote this list before last night, so it's not like I didn't know this already. I came home and ate a poor dinner instead of hitting goals. I got stuck in Azu after promising I wouldn't. Failing the first one, led to the other, in sort of a fail-chain. 

I don't hold myself accountable. I have my bullet journal with my boxes and check lists, my apps and apps with boxes and checklists. I count myself, but don't hold myself accountable. 

So in thinking about this, I wonder - do I need some reward or cookie for doing my goals? What if after 10 times of hitting a goal, I get something I want. (like....?? haha, remember the Lara bars for swimming?!). 

Seriously though, I can identify things I'm unhappy with and ways to remedy the unhappiness, but I don't Stick To It, then I feel like a failure and I get more things I'm unhappy about. 

To bring this full circle, and connect it to the post title. One year ago I was writing about how I was unhappy with my life and my health and my body. Here I am again with some of the same issues. 

In detail again, what am I unhappy about? See above...copy pasta.

 I still get anxiety with a schedule disruption. Defined by example: if LA suggests doing something not on "my" schedule, it feels like a disruption. I get stuck in a "how can I make him happy and me happy too" or in a "my schedule is here to calm me and I can't change it" or in a "why didn't you mention this earlier so I could plan it". Control freak. It sounds silly, but the times that I roll with the change I'm proud of myself, like "I did this!" when really it's what most other humans can normally do. 

What can I do about this? Just take a 30 seconds breath to think about what the change does or doesn't mean. Stop and evaluate where the anxiety comes from. Is it really a cause for stress? Does LA wanting to go camping this weekend or go out for sushi really mean stress? Well, sitting here typing, it doesn't. But in the moment, it's like a stomach turn. Like a, "how could he think this?". If we go out for dinner at 7pm at night, it means I don't get chores done, I might have to eat in a hurry before we leave and then I just get to watch someone else eat, then I get home late. Anxiety recipe! Camping some weekend --what about the dog? What about the weather? What will I bring to eat? Where is the campground, public or private? Bathrooms? Shower? Anxiety. 

-->So specifically, in the moment, I need to answer "yeah, let's see what we can do" as a way to buy time. Use the time to really map out what the changes would mean if acted on. Is it really that bad to go out for sushi? Is it really that annoying to be out late, to spend time with him? 

I'm anxious if I eat a food that I think will react badly with me, or if I eat too much and fear the burp-up bloating feeling I hate. Ugh this issue is constant. It's why I have the 4 hour interval goal, and the walk-the-dog-first goal, and the one-bowl of fruit rule. It's a simple as, if I eat in a hurry or random, or if I eat too much, I feel like I'm going to burp it all back up. I never do, it's just a feeling. And the stress of eating something that 'I'm not supposed to eat', say rice with sushi, causes the same thing as eating stressed is like eating hurried. I bloat up, maybe I swallow air or don't chew the food or just plain eat too much. 

What can I do about this? JFC, these goals are already in place. Goals of relax, drink some water, meditate first, sit down with a plate, don't use the phone, wait until you're hungry and calm -- already there. Why are they hard to follow? Too many rules? They kinda fail-chain, kinda, in that if I miss the top of the list (like yesterday's walking the dog first to calm down and wait until hungry) means that if I don't say on course it's like I'm guaranteed to fall off. But not guaranteed to fall into Azu, ugh. 

What can I do about this? I've tried writing a little script of how things should go. More boxes to check, just what I need. That's just more anxiety. And I think that's the real issue here. I feel anxious. A nice salty piece of chicken to munch is better than going out in the cold, and I can just escape a bit with a dopamine hit from a stupid piece of chicken (using last night as an example).

-->I need to recognize the WHY I'm doing the goals, and not just follow or fail the goals. Stop and take a moment to evaluate where the anxiety comes from. Get a dopa hit somewhere else, like LA or the dog, or even Blerch. But just pause for a moment before acting. 

I'm stressed that I can't run, because I'm injured Again. This is a 2-fer deal. I can't run to relieve stress. And I'm faced with the fact that I'm injured again. I wake up on a day like today and think "I'm supposed to be running Forest Park". I miss Tuesday's run on the track. I miss my trail runs on a great weekend. Instead I get pain when I walk or bend over and stretch the hamstring. I get the uncertainty of wondering how long to wait, whether I should get a professional evaluation, whether my foam rolling and strength training is enough. Questions like that, drive the stress that makes anxious, and anxious leads to stomach upset, and points #1 and #2 above get connected to this.  

What can I do about this? What I already am. Foam rolling. PT. Stretching. Sit less (prolonged sitting is a risk factor, and I noticed the pains while driving to AA too) and stretch the back. Keep biking and swimming, only the run has to wait. 

--> Keep on plan, this one going OK as long as you don't get anxiety about never being able to run again, or feeling like you're "behind" on your training plan.

I don't like that my body feels week and out of shape. This one is a consequence of all the above too. Anxiety from not being able to run, feeling out of control with life, being unable to accommodate and mesh my schedules, being injured again. not being able to eat foods I want to eat and getting sick on foods I shouldn't be eating. I don't like how I can't pick up heavy objects like before. I don't like how my jeans fit. I don't like that my back has lost the swim muscles from years ago. I don't like that I can't bound up stairs. 

You'll note that I'm not mentioning the health factors. As stated previously, I've stopped taking my meds and I've unsubscribed from the diagnoses I was given. BTW -- my mind doing much better after having done that. 

I'm not limited by my health, I'm limited by the fact that I skip PT all summer and skip regular strength training, I slouch at a desk and have bad posture. 

What can I do about this? This might be the easiest one to fix, keep doing the PT and the strength training, but don't stop at 10 minutes and make it a more lifestyle change. Just be the type of person who does resistance training and not just because a box needs to be checked. 

--> Find a program, or plan that you like (or have to pay for!) and stick it out. Get measured. Get serious. 

Does that cover everything? It doesn't mention the changes I'm already in progress. I'm trying to be less argumentative, I didn't see it that way but he did, and what he said was fair. So I self-check. I'm trying to be less chore-slave, and let chores go until I have an hour or a weekend to batch them. I'm avoiding the news and politics, those conversations never seem to go well. 

Geez did I just type all that? Thanks Goggins! Can I sit down now?

Mission #2: Accountability Mirror: put insecurities, dreams and goals on post-it notes and stick them to your mirror. Remind yourself of your mission every morning. Hold yourself accountable for the small steps it will take to get there. I feel kinda silly on this one, having LA living with me I'd have to explain myself. But write them out anyway, see what happens. (hopefully not another super long post!)

Mission #3: preview. Get outside your comfort zone. Everyday. 

Warm weather, only biking it seems

Tuesday COMMUTE and SWIM 1300y
Wednesday BIKE 13.7 miles and COMMUTE

I miss running, and that's about all I want to say. 

But I'll keep going a bit, and brain dump a bit. I'm committing to commuting on these nice days, I sometimes drive the truck on the off-chance that I'll get a lane at the pool. It's good in that I get a lot of walking steps in, but really I should be biking. Odd that I don't want to bike? It's not that I don't want to, it's more that I'm trying to not feel depressed right now. 

I found a flat rear tire on Puppy as I was leaving work on Tuesday, it held up after re-inflation at work enough to get me home. I went for a swim, got home late, got myself in trouble with LA for getting home late (left 5:45, swim 6:10-6:45, leave to $ store and Aldi and SAL, home 8!), some stress there. We replaced the tube in the flatted tire (much faster with his hands!) and it held pressure overnight.

Then I get up early to bike, right after being out late to swim. It was "only" two intervals, I tell myself. I get home and work towards being a good wife. Not the good kind, like before, but just a good wife. 

Wonderful weather this week, and I can't run. I see runners everywhere, and hate that they can run and I can't. What do I keep doing wrong that everyone else gets so right?

Puppy doesn't squeak or creak!

 BIKE 20 miles in TGP, 3 intervals

Met up with BE for will likely be our last week of riding TGP this year. The forecast was for 34F at 6:30am, it sure didn't feel that cold. I was happily overdressed, unless you ask my fingers and toes. They might disagree.

All of the beauty from fall colors of TGP last week is gone. We had wind and rain over the weekend, most all leaves are downed and now it's what I call really November. Browns and oranges and dead-looking trees. 

While Puppy was at BS for the lever repair, I got new bar tape (didn't like what SOs mechanic put on 2 years ago), a tune-up, and a bottom bracket overhaul. I reported a "creak" in the BB that my mechanical and care skills couldn't alleviate. 

I'm super happy to say, it's fixed! Along with the half-shifting bull shit I was dealing with! Yay for Puppy!

Great ride, great conversation, a slight bit faster than last few weeks. Maybe because by bottom bracket was overhauled.

And speaking of bottom brackets, my hip. I did full rest this weekend. Just walking and some mild stretch and strength. Just movement. I can feel the quads and hammies tightening up and I feel the urge to foam roll and stretch. The muscles and soft tissues in the actual hip and pelvic region feel tight and uncomfortable. So I've got that to focus on -- get the hip loose -- because simple movements shouldn't feel tight!

And the bones of the right calf still feel awful. I know this isn't what it really is, but it feels like they are about to break. They ache and hurt and feel pulled on. But the actual knee pains, or the pain surrounding the knee to be more accurate, seems to be better. 

Can't Hurt Me

Good book to read while I'm hurt.  /s

Mission #1 - What are the current factors liming your success? 

This was an interesting one to think on, took a few days and came to a few sad realizations. 

I'm limiting me. No one else. Just me. 

I wrote down repeatedly that I'm amazed that no one noticed. From this I concluded that either they don't care enough to say, or they don't care enough to notice. 

So to summarize, in a challenge meant to get me out of victimhood, I identified myself as a victim. 

<Insert a big eyeroll right here>.

Well. Got work to do.

I'm am my only limiter. And I'm damned good at it, it seems.