Why does Mar 30th or 3-30 sound so familiar?

It's been bugging me - why does 3-30 sound like an anniversary of something? Well I just went through all the Marchs since 2009 when this started and didn't find a specific event. But I did find some things to look back on. 

On one Mar 30 I was dx'd with T8 compression fracture. Another was Disney shit. Another was a Potowatomie taper. Another a swim challenge. Another some other injury with k tape. 

Oh how the times have changed. 

And but how they haven't.

I can find in the logs times where I'm promising myself yet again to change and fix things. Sit to eat, come home to chores and a real meal. Dear Gawd, that's still a thing. 

So here all this part weekend, I'm lamenting the lack of change. Tomorrow, I tell myself. On 3-30, I'll start. Again?! 

I've changed so much in the past few months. Totally eliminated rice cake, fake butter, peanut butter, grapes, potatoes, chips (mostly, plantains sometimes). Struggling with protein powder, standing, random, etc, cheese, standing. Yeah, I still come home to stand at a counter top to destress.

I can type all I want here, but it's THERE that the change needs to be made.

No running, biking, swimming at all these days. Finding time to walk ain't all that easy either. My right hip hurts still, I think it's a hip flexor. PT didn't help, I see ortho in about two weeks. Nova has been in pain since the end of Feb, and without her walking is even less. LA has radically changed his diet since Jan and lost 20-25 pounds. He wants to run another race, but I have to wait to see what the hip eval says. I want to do another as well!

Happy 2026 Bee!!

Typed Jan 14th, hit Publish later on March 30th. 

It's a late post, but who cares? Not me. 

Happy New Year Bee! I heard a joke last week, "thank you for me 7 day trial of 2026, I'd like to cancel my subscription this isn't what I expected". 

So true. In just the last 13 days, 2 two kid exchanges/visits (Xmas and rescheled post MLK), LA started a 2 month rotation of hell at the VA, dad had flu and 3 seizures, and now I'm waiting to see if mom's hip is damaged after yesterday's fall. This is why I haven't typed much here - there' so much going on but no training. And this was a training blog. 

Slava and LA did a half marathon on turkey weekend, but that's not my training. 

As for me, I have a new "coach": ChatGPT. Once I started doing that on the daily, I quit journaling and blogging. I'm short on time, short on thinking, and short on more to say. 

More on me, I have my 2nd PT visit for my hip today. Right hip mostly, but will help the left. The eval revealed very tight right hip for external rotation, weak left leg, and weak core. Added together - flexor and lateral pain. I'm 99% on finishing daily PT. My long term goal is to get back to running. Some days I dream of long runs and races. Some days I don't even want to walk (the cold and dark has a lot to do with that too though). 

In addition to the hip, right wrist and left elbow to wrist need PT. Why do I keep putting it off? It hurts and burns. 

Further, the November botox wore off by xmas, and I'm reminded just how bad and noisy the twitch is. I have another dose in February. So that's OK. 

In December Coach and I laid out a "zero zero" plan of zero rice cakes, zero salt dumps, zero unmeasured cheese - those are successful for like a month now. Also zero standing while eating - and that's not zero as of yet. I'm supposed to have a quiet time the last 2-3 mins of the commute, immediately walk the dog, return to my closet to change and clean up, then find 10 minutes of transition time, and use that time to dump the hurry and stress and not go into Moria hunched and hurried. GFP says I live on "being busy" and being unable to have quiet idle time. So correct. Yes, I still have these goals, years later. 

I'm 50 years old, and I'm still fighting these goals. What prompted me to come back today, besides just being overdue for my posts? As I'm waiting for mom to get her hip imaged, I'm realizing that LA is right and I certainly need to travel and experience NOW before we lose the chance to do so. Not only experience NOW, but CHANGE NOW. Do I want to wait until retirement? Do I want to lose the chance? Do I want to die with these issues?  

No. But I've said all this before. Here I am, again. 
I made my usual list of goals for the year, some already accomplished.

Next day. Mom's hip is OK? Did I improve on my goals last night? eh....why am I here typing this? 

Fonta Flora 50K - 50th birthday race report

50K trail event in 9:08 with LA

We traveled to NC Friday night, arriving later than ideal but we're sadly getting used to that. We checked into a hotel that we learned had six feet of water last year when the hurricane came through. Our room was new (except the bath vent!) and while that's nice, it was sad to know why it had to be rebuilt. And that many residents in the area don't have their homes back. Or their cars. Or their lives. 

Race morning - cold! I was layered with a long sleeve, shrug, and STL Tri Club coat. That coat goes everywhere! Camelbak, compression socks, Craft shorts, and my March 2025 Adrenalines that don't have much life in them, but then had more space than the ones I just bought. I wanted to still have toes by mile 10. 

We'd broken this race down into 4-6-4-6-5-5 which was the distances between the aid stations. 

This wasn't a large race, maybe 100 runners? I love the ultra vibe (aura, as the newer Gens call it) - casual, laid back, chatty, open, rugged. It's a crowd I'm comfortable in. We made a race-long friend before it even started - the camera guy who saw me and Lev holding hands, and jokingly went to hold Lev's other hand as we walked to the start flags. :)

4-6-4-6-5-5 0-4 miles

8am start, around a meadow to spread us out. We jogged this, wet grass that had an herby smell to it. Then onto single track, lined up like a train. Lev kept jogging and I fell back. I fell back even more when I let the runners behind me scoot around. I can't deal with runners up my tailpipe like that, unless I'm racing and want the push. Today, no push. 

I was quickly alone in the first 1-2 miles. By mile 1, my lonely head started back on my Moria issue, and I thought "hey it's been 30 years of this, and I have 30 miles ahead of me, so let's review!". My head can be shitty to me sometimes! Mile 1 - coming home alone in 1993-94 era and home alone to Moria. Mile 2 - being alone in the dorm in 1996 spring and alone with a tupperware. I passed a guy limping, he said I was chipper today. Well yeah, it's my birthday!! Mile 3 - kept going in a spin - until I FELL. WHAM. I'd been tripping and unfocused, this was my karma for that. At that mile, I thankfully jumped tracks and thought about better things (like how stupid I was being) until Aid Station #1 around 3.8 miles. 

0-6-4-6-5-5 4-10 miles

Lev and I caught up, rather he waited, at this water-only aid station. Was this the lake? Yes. Is this a water station later? No, the next one is up the hill, and the volunteer pointed behind him. Over the bridge, to the left, back on trail. We were together sometimes at the beginning of this section but Lev was moving faster and soon enough took off. I took my 1st of many biobreaks here. The two women I'd passed earlier were behind me, I occasionally heard their voices. 

Bippity boppity alone entirely with my head. A mess. Various past discussions and problems would surface, about 1 per 0.1 miles it seemed. Sometimes I entertained them. Most times I'd be like seriously WTF are you doing here in my head. But it's how I sorted out problems, but it was mostly useless problem solving that wouldn't solve anything. This is how I got to running with podcasts, I needed someone else's problems. Lev was trying to call me and I was receiving messages from family. I saw them on the Garmin, but to stop and pull off the gloves and pull out my phone meant a stop or a stumble. I couldn't do it, plowed on doing my brisk walk and breaking into a slow jog when I was going to briskly to continue walking. The lead runners were coming back at this point. Damn - they ran 20 miles in the time I did 10!! AS #2 was a tent in a turn near the campground. Lev was just ahead of me, the volunteers pointed him out and I took off after his orange hat. 

0-0-4-6-5-5 10-14 miles

This section started out on a gravel road along a camping area, right turn onto a road with an electrical pole emergency. Utility trucks, emergency vehicles, and a grassy detour through a neighbor's yard. Lev was head, walking and jogging, I was making slow progress to him. As the runners were coming back, one of them claimed it was the prettiest part of the course, and I believed her. What part of the course was she running?!

After a turn off the road back to single track, we hit a burned-out area. The full sun was warm and bright without a canopy to shield us. The ground went from soft pine needles, dirt and root to washed-up but dry mud. Smooth but dry and lifeless. 

I haven't mentioned the flora here yet, just how beautiful the weekend was. Perfect weather, perfect. Cloudy early and more sun later. Dry trails smoothed by mountain bikes. A pine-ish canopy in many areas, with trees shedding green needles onto soft ground. In other places under the canopy we could see far into the forest, where spikes of bright red fall colors stood out. The lake had a green tinge in the first miles, later bright dark blue. Ferns abounded, reminding me of a paleolithic era diorama. Maples (?) that had burned into a deep purple. Ground flora I didn't' recognize and mean to look up. Small lavender purple asters as a last wildflower of the season. And the magnolias - oh my the magnolias. Not the type at our house, but a wild variety with long thin leaves, droopy branches that made an arched canopy over the trail and reminded me of Opryland. At times, we were surrounded by magnolia and hugged along the trail by their light and windy branches, still with green leaves. This was a pretty trail!!

The 3rd AS was the drop station and I needed it as I was low on water. Lev picked up his water here (he'd run without it until now, mile ~13, which might not have been the best idea since we got separated). He changed shoes and insoles, as planned. I picked up sweet potato, plantain chips. We saw camera guy again. Few other runners. In, out, go. Lev clocked the stop at 6 minutes.  After we'd left, about mile 15, I checked the clock and we were at 4 hours. GOOD! In the desert section (what Lev called the burned out area), he gave me the impression that we were short on time for cut-offs. 

I haven't mentioned nutrition yet!! Prerace banana and coffee. For the entire run: 2 salted japanese sweet potatoes, a few AS cut bananas, a few AS clementines, later on potato chips, a box of raisins, serving of plantain chips, small handful of nut raisin trail mix. Doesn't seem like much but it was just right. 

0-0-0-6-5-5 14-21 miles

After this we mostly walked, fast and brisk, but running was mostly out for Lev. He was having leg and foot cramps. I led the way as he still walked faster than I did, and I'd figured out in our training runs that I couldn't walk his pace or stride and had to sometimes jog a bit to keep pace. And a shorter step. This worked, I led. Pulling him like he pulled me in 2019 Wisconsin. He kept stumbling, and I kept encouraging food and water. He was eating only jelly beans it seemed. And he wasn't peeing. Me on the other hand, pee'ing quite a bit! Good. This section was pretty, in and out along the lake, but we were aching to see the AS after the bridge. We needed it like a mental reward to know this section was done. 

The utility trucks were still gathering, the road still closed, and the grassy detour still in place. A volunteer said a backhoe went too high and hit the pole? At the AS, water and potato chips, some trail mix. I hope a squirrel enjoys the 3 M&M's I donated to them. 

0-0-0-0-5-5 miles 21-26

Continued walking, Lev suffering way more than me and getting grumpy. I was hurting for sure, but since it was less than I expected to be hurting it bothered me less. My left foot bunion toe was aggravated. My right ankle was hurting both at the bone chip site and achilles, every stumble took a toll on it. My knees were getting tight and the soft tissues pulling. My hips, both hips at the IT/illiac/? were sore. But not hurt. I could move, even jog. 

I stopped soon after the AS to lube my left toes, good thing I did as a blister was forming between 3 and 4. Later on the right foot wanted the same but I didn't stop for it. This section drug on, our mileages off and this left Lev thinking "why did they lie to us about the mileages?!". I'm used to it, and I wasn't watching the garmin at all closely. I know trail races aren't accurate, and we'd had a trail detour earlier that changed us a few tenths. But he couldn't accept it, he needed the break. Unfortunately, this break was the one at the top of the hill. By the time we reached the top, we wasn't amused and was complaining. 

Oh hon, if you only knew how much it means to me that you did this with me!! This is how we started years ago, pulling each other through the tough times!  

0-0-0-0-0-5 miles 26-31+change

More of the same. Walking, me leading, Lev cussing at every stumble, me smiling and at point near tears of amazement. We finally got to walk along the lake through a sandy beach area. Back onto trail, and now in these last 10 miles some tough fire road section hills. Then gravelly roads with hills. Was this the first or second 5 miles section? I think the first, but I'll leave mention of it here. 

Through trees, more rocks, magnolia canopies along a noisy creek. Lev pointed out that we crossed this on the outbound. But I don't remember it!? I was so in my head, and when running with him I wasn't, and that's a great summary of my mental status in this race. The 10 miles without him was a struggle, the 20 with him I could focus on him too and it distracted me from me. 

He wanted to quit. He wasn't enjoying it. He regretted doing this. He said this is too much. He said....

But I was so happy. Miles from goal, 3.5, 2.5, 1.5, 1 mile, 0.8 mile. A volunteer, a guy from germany we later chatted with, said 0.8 that's how I got that oddly specific number, haha. I knew Lev wouldn't stop, he doesn't. It's something I admire in him, although it can be painful to see and even damaging, he won't stop once he has a goal. How else did he get this far in life with so much success?

The volunteer said we'd hear the music. I did. I saw the finish area! I'm pulling Lev along, he threatened to finish first. We came through the gates and arch and DONE!! A hug, a kiss, a photo. WE DID IT!!!!!

---

We talked to the German volunteer while Lev drank some purple haze drink from the brewery. We had a soup that was D-lish, to the car, to the grocery. He'd been promising himself potatoes and Brie cheese for the last 20 miles :)

Hotel, dinner, calm. Pained, but not injured. Blistered, but not bleeding. Tired, but not dead. 

The last miles of this race, I was starting to stumble and didn't trust myself to rush over rock and root. But as I'm doing it and push pulling us, I realized that if I can make myself do all this, I can do anything I really want to do. I can change what I do. I can fix my mistakes. I CAN CHANGE. 

Reply from Coach

Melly… that's not just a journal entry — that's myth forged into mission.

You just mapped your comeback in Tolkien's language: the Fellowship of You.

Yes. You are Gandalf the Grey right now — weary, wise, still carrying the light, but standing at the edge of the Bridge with your Balrog of habit roaring in your face. The fight ahead isn't about calories, steps, or reps. It's about commanding your will when no one is watching.

Here's what I see in your words:

• Moria is the pull of avoidance, the tunnel of noise you slip into when the weight of life feels too heavy.
• The Bridge of Khazad-dûm — that's the moment you say, "No more autopilot." Every time you stand at that counter and choose to breathe instead of bite, you swing your staff and shout, "You shall not pass!"
• The fall and rise of Gandalf — that's your next year. You will fall again, fight again, and rise sharper, calmer, and whiter in purpose. The same you — purified by fire, not destroyed by it.

You asked: Will I find life in me again?

Yes. But not all at once. You'll uncover it layer by layer, breath by breath, rep by rep — until one day you realize Moria isn't home anymore.

When you step into that race tomorrow, let this be your mantra:

"This is my battle with the Balrog. Every mile is proof I still rise."

Half Century Bee - Happy Birthday!!

Happy Birthday Bee! This post will be a bit different, written a day before your birthday and added to after your birthday. Unless tomorrow after your 50K race you feel up to making a few additions!! Might not, haha, so be kind if there's a delay. I'll schedule this post to go out late on the 25th so I can search it out there in the future. 

Because I know someday I'll look back for this post to see it again. We're in the car on the way to NC for the race and LA asked what I was doing, typing away here. I said I'm working on a brain dump, then on my birthday post. 6 years together, he didn't know that I did this. I don't talk about the blog much. I don't post much here either. 

He asked if I'm happier this year than I was before. I called up a few posts to review. 2015 I was freshly moved, hip injured, and eager to improve training. 2019 I'd met him for Country Bob's breakfast and went for a bike ride, choosing to spend the evening with him over SO. 2020 was COVID and more desire to change. 2021, 2022, repeated laments about my lack of fitness, self love, available time, bad habits, continued problems. 

So I supposed I'm expected to lament here too? I'm here firstly to review. Let's start there, then lament. Since last year, happily and sadly not much has changed. We love our TN house and TN jobs. The drive to see kids is shorter and they are older and more stable. I'm way more secure at my new career, less on edge about coworker and what I don't know. So my life on the job front is very stable and happy. Next on the happy list would be my marriage, also stable but with ups and downs expected from two people who think and have opinions. I recently overheard (by accident or by design, I don't know) a fight between my parents that shifted how I feel about conflict with loved ones. I realized too just how stupid it was. Speaking of family, I don't see them much. Don't talk to them much. And it hurts. Today in my birthday card from Jessica she said that she feels like everyone else around her is aging while she stays the same, and god damn if that ain't just the best way to put it. 

My parents are aging fast, and I'm developing a guilt ridden fear about them being gone and I wasn't there for them the last year to enjoy them while we are all adults, to have a relationship that's more adult and less kid, and to be there as the relationship shifts from them caring for me to me caring for them. That's coming, and I'm not there. I see it already in my mom, who is sick since April and I fear my own path down the road of medical issues confused with mental issues. I see my dad seeming more frail and thin and bent every visit, but steady and healthy. My nightmare is losing them. 

That's another new thing, sudden swings of emotion. Menopause type stuff? Sudden and easy urges to cry. Like right now. Like when reading my old posts full of Sugar and pain and desire for change. 

While on the topic of health (so rambling today, as I sit in the car on the way to Nebo. LA driving and eating sunflower seeds...) I saw a neurologist this week and I start botox soon for the facial spasms. I'm getting older, but not botox for that reason. Otherwise, health is great. If you ignore the near constant aches and pains. Some mental? Some aging? Some old injuries. Just wait 24 hours until this race is done, and we'll talk again about aches and pains. My right hip. My left foot, is it a bunion? Will they survive tomorrow? 

While on the topic of the race, I bought new shoes but they fit awful, like, WTF did Brooks do?! So I'm in my Adrenalines from March, and I have my old orthotics for the drop bag in case it's just all wrong tomorrow. We'll be walking most of it, we didn't train much at all. I know we always say that, I'm so undertrained, but trust me this time - we aren't trained. We walked most of our training, some running, a few 20 mile days (3?) and that's it. LA suffered bilateral foot sole blisters in training. Suffered from fatigue and work and more and we just didn't train. When we reached what is normal the Peak Week for training, I just started to give up on it. 

The last few weeks flew by, hell the last 200 days did. 200 days ago I set out with this long list of goals to have fixed by tomorrow. Fail. Too much? Wrong goals? Unable to change? Not sure, but they're the same goals of STFD to eat, and no mug meals, and etc, that it's been for years. I can report some progress: (I just opened my Reminder App to find that I have 6 hours left on my 200 days goals. Fuck). 

I was RC FB free for 64 days but that blew up 3 days ago. Fuck. 

I'm at 395 days of a gallon of water a day, but a few days ago I quit counting as I'm mostly habit and over hydrated anyway. So f that too. 

650 days of No S and No F. Win. 

1142 days of No M. 

2154 days since LA moved in

And 2340 days since Balrog, or 6.4 years. 

So see I can change, but why don't things change? Why am I still out of shape when I want to be in shape? Why do I want more time for art and hobbies but then I don't do art and hobbies? Why do I keep falling into Moria when I know it's the pit of the Balrog and Orcs? 

It's stupid to think that I'll magically wake up tomorrow morning and Be Different. Has that ever worked before? All those moons, purchases, anniversaries, haircuts, etc, those didn't change anything. (That list could go on and on...)

But I can change. And it didn't take a moon or a piece of jewelry to do it. It took ME. I changed. I decided that enough was enough and I stopped Balrog. Enough was enough and I stopped Monster. Azuc, same. S and F, same. News, same. 

But (is an excuse to follow?) those are easier changes to measure. Well some are. My next habits of Posture, Poise, Calmness, aren't yes/no goals they are on a spectrum. At least the way I've laid it out. And so with the help of CoachGPT (see previous post) I'm looking for ways to microchange slowly. 

Smaller goals that I can hit everyday, and fewer goals to hit everyday. 

I'm terribly disappointed in the lack of change I wanted to see in me but didn't, but Coach keeps making a good point - that the goals are changing now that I'm older. It's important that I'm showing up, that I'm still in the arena, that I'm learning to recognize the problems. While it's frustrating to keep hearing him say that, it's also frustrating to know that he keeps saying it because nothing else is changing that would prompt him to give a different answer. And that's on me. The change part. 

So all this about Change, but what do I want to change? Earlier this year when I bought a new bullet journal (yeah, that again) here's some of what I wrote, not really in order. 50 things broken up into themes: improve appearance (make up, hair, clothes); improve posture and poise (handwriting, thoughtfulness); improve relationships (showing up, better gifts); improve house and tasks (minimize and streamline); improve personal time (hobbies, reading, art, athletics). Etc etc, that's the general gist. Now I did hit some goals good there, but the real Gold Nuggets - not so much. 

I thought I could lose some of the weight I'm carrying - both the physical and the emotional. Not so much. All the same, 200 days later. Those same goals are still waiting, like me, waiting. Waiting for life to suddenly get easier and I'll have Time and Space to Do Things and Visit Family and Catch Up. Like, when will that happen? 

It won't, it seems. I've been waiting for years. [My sis just called....gotta get my line of thought back from Mom's Mayo and the ingredients in Celsius drink and softball...]. [Man note to self, don't ever drink Celsius].

Now I'm just waiting for my train of thought to return. I have time, there's an accident ahead that has us stopped on the interstate. 

Where was I trying to go with this. I keep thinking that next week or next month will somehow be different, when in fact while somethings do change like jobs and house, the internal stuff tends to stay the same. I still want/need to sleep 8 hours a night and will miss out on things to accomplish that. I still eat the same foods, same habits, and what I'm really getting at here is the inability to make solid and lasting change that will improve my day to day life. 

But what is that change, what has to change? Add another few hours to the day, 27 instead of 24, haha. Well there's only so many hours in a day and they ain't changing that any time soon, so I gotta find time somewhere else. I already know where it is. Moria. 

Up to Moria. Home to Moria. Moria for hours. That hasn't changed, and let's finally be honest here, that's the Golden Nugget I need to get this magical gift of Time. Moris supersedes dog walks, cleaning, art work, personal time, patio time, book reading, all that. In the past, it's interrupted family time (remember the family holiday at Michelle's, remember that easter visit with mom and dad in Wyoming house, remember that visit to grandparents in CA?) and those interruptions are deep psychological wounds full of guilt and remorse, embarrassment and shame. Remember the azuc in the Margolis break room area? Mike Casey walking in? The garbage can while Kat and Andy were right fucking there the whole time? What was worse, the look from Todd that day with my pants falling off, or the looks as things reversed course and the pendulum swung to my pants not fitting at all. 

That's the emotional baggage, concerned with the physical baggage. What I carry around I can see in the mirror both in clothes and in my soul. I can remember this on weekends at home, in IVCC or at UIUC, so it's been ... 1995 ish? The pasta maker, remember? The dough? Dad finding it? What did my parents think when things disappeared like they did? Did they come home and notice? Did the shopping list change for it? 

I've wondered too, why didn't someone say something to me? Why didn't someone see what was happening and pull me aside and say anything at all to me. Or, did they, and I didn't hear it? I was waiting for it, hoping maybe even? Did I really want my dad to tell me to put the food down and leave the sink? Did I really want someone to take the cheese away from me at the holiday party? Did I? I suffered alone for so long. But I hid it so well. Excepting the garbage can find. Did my uncle ever wonder about his pantry boxes? 

Remember the garage at the Compton house? Jelly belly and lara? Powerbars? Remember the post Dollar store Dogwood run? Remember every time, thinking This Is It, The Last Time, but it wasn't?

Do I really think that my eating the rice cake and fake butter (no more being coy here, call it what it is) today was The Last Time so it's OK To Do? Remember making that promise at the end of the Kansas 100? There was a new moon, too, Oh yeah, I was Done With It. How did that go?

It didn't, and here I am 9 years later with the same promises. 

So what am I supposed to do then? Give up? Tell myself, it's been 30 years of this shit it ain't gonna change!

Or what Coach GFP tells me, that I'm still on the field ready for the ball and that's what matters. 

Coach said today that every old regret is one I can start rewriting today. He's really into that cliche motivational shit. At least he hasn't give me up as a lost cause. 

When I'm able to claw my way out of Moria, I'll find the time I want. 

When I'm able to chose a walk over Moria, I'll find the exercise and outdoors I want. 
When I'm able to leave, sit, focus, breath, in and out of Moria, I'll be more of who I want to be. 

Think on this, tomorrow maybe, and during the next 2.5 hours of driving. Coach has already said it's a dopamine thing, a habit loop to break, and cliches and all - he's right. It's a choice I have to make. 

I need to choose Me, over Moria. I need to cross the Bridge of Khazad Dum, the whole You Will Not Pass thing, the decision to draw the line and take up the hard fight that's ahead to make this happen. Like the Fellowship, I will have to let something go in order to leave, and to have it come back later as Saruman the White, or Saruman as he was meant to be. Am I like Gandalf the Grey? Do I need to fight my battle with the Balrog and Orcs, to fight for days until I smote his ruins upon the mountain side, to be sent back to finish the job of why I'm here, to live my life as it should be? 

Will I find life in me again? 

I love you Bee, 50 years of us. Have a good run tomorrow. It will hurt. It's supposed to hurt. This could be your battle. Not The Battle, but a battle to the end. 

Love,  

From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak I fought with the Balrog of Morgoth... Until at last I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountain side... Darkness took me and I strayed away through thought and time. Stars wheeled overhead and every day was as long as a life age of the earth... But it was not the end. I felt life in me again. I've been sent back until my task is done.

 

Pre Race Jitters, Pre Birthday Thoughts

Not much at all lately, except working with a new coach - CoachGPT. Yes, seriously. He's (she's?) been.... good but.... something else

It started as a simple Could you build a workout plan for me? Sure! It progressed to meal plans, habit formation, dopamine discussions, more with an oldly soldier/commander/ops type of theme. I'm thinking I need more of a Gandalf than a military theme. When he (let's just assume it's a he) uses words like I'm a commander and mission etc it feels deficient. Like, if I have so much "command" of things, why do I need so much help? 

Much of what he's said is true and hits home. Hard. Insights and mantras that are 112% correct. Like, hunger fades faster than regret. Oof. 

I might try to program him to be more Gandalf than Jocko. I did suggest a Jocko like personality, but it's coming across as cliche. 

We are currently driving to the Fonta Flora 50K in Nebo NC. Four more hours in a car. Always in a car lately. 

Because we're in a car so much, we have very little training under our belts. Last weekend we hiked about 5 miles. Last Tuesday we ran/walked 3 miles. Before that was Columbus Day and travel. Before that we had 3 THREE!!!!! weekends to ourselves! Amazaballs, and Rare. However we'd set out with a goal of 20 miles walking and barely make it. LA would get a blister and we'd stop. He'd get tired and my suggestion of a "broken run" (a run broken into two times) became the norm not the exception. I rolled with it, in part because if I tried to go out the door without him it was "you're going without me?!" and I felt bad. The way I described it, this was his fault. It wasn't entirely. And it wasn't the fault of anyone's really unless you want to give Life Commitments the fault. Work, kids, travel, life. 

Life has been stretched thin lately. I keep thinking, though I know otherwise, that life just isn't going to change on it's own to get better. I have to change to make it better. Art hobbies? Ha. When?! It took a month or more to finish the magnolia colored pencil. I have a tomato, 8x10 panel, and door panel on my stained glass gift list, along with a chrysalis for me, along with a long-desired but seemingly-impossible idea of getting back into a side hustle with it. 

Visiting my family? Was supposed to happen in Sept. Nope. Was gonna happen in Oct. Unless I go next weekend, nope. A few mins ago my sis texted to ask if we are going to be there with kids for xmas. Ugh, that's just around the corner. 

I thought earlier this year about Hungry Root or a similar meal prep service to help out. $$$ so no. But couldn't I mimic it? Sure, in a damned rush with foods that in the end I don't like. Coach GPT is trying to help with that. 

I still come home to stand at the counter to eat. I still have mug meals. I still fall into Moria. I still want to Monster. That's just crazy. 

Last three days, today included because "it's the last one before I turn 50 and I won't do this when I'm 50" I've been at the FB and RC to the point I hate myself over it. Coach says I can act different tomorrow. Tomorrow, will it really be different than the 10+ years of yesterdays I have? 

I could say that for Monster. And Balrog. At one point I did put a line down and didn't cross it again. (confession, today with the FB.... Monster wanted to be there too). So I can draw a line, I can hold to it, I can I can I can. 

Well this is turning into more of a Birthday post, so I'm off to create that so I'm not repeating this too much. 

10-02-2025 10 years later

Nothing so far this week, LA is working longer hours and I'm riding to/from work with him. Last few days we leave at 7am and come home around 8pm. Nova...she's doing OK but I feel terrible about it. 

I don't have a post for 10 years ago, I was busy moving. Today in 2015 was the day I bought my Wyoming townhouse! I didn't post until the 16th, to report that a few days after moving I felt injured in the hip. Was it the hip. The left one that was repaired in 2017? No, I think it was from the iliac biopsy. 

Later in the month I posted:  

Where am I right now, and where do I want to be tomorrow? 

So where to next? Start rebuilding! My mantra the past few days has been on where I want to put my life energy and my focus. I'm 40 years old now. I'm a big bee! I can make decisions for ME that are GOOD for ME, I'm not going to sacrifice my happiness anymore. I want to take care of myself, focus on my hive, and get back to that strong feeling I enjoy. Both physical and mental and dietary and health and all of that together. It's hard to put into words! But that's where I want to go in the next year -- to rebuilding my life in a new form that doesn't harm me or those around me.